Ah, laser hair removal

I answered an online survey and got $400 in coupons from American Laser Centers the other day. I never do those things, but since I’ve turned 40, I’ve been thinking about how to rid myself of the ever-increasing stiff black hairs that are the kudzu of my chin and upper lip. In meetings, I find myself absentmindedly trying to pluck them out with my fingers. Yes, I am too sexy.

This morning after my workout I drove into Cherry Creek to the medispa. I sat with the salesperson, who didn’t have to work hard to convince me to buy three packages at a discount of 60 percent. She was blonde and pretty, with perfectly arched eyebrows and a jeweled crown pendant that suggested Pageant Queen. We discussed my previous foray into laser hair removal last year, when I did a test run of my bikini area and promptly quit. I decided I’d rather have a dozen ingrowns all the time than go through that amount of pain for 20 minutes every four weeks for half a year. She told me she’s having that procedure done currently, and she’s cranking up the laser so it works faster. She explained with a tone that was not quite condescending, but more like, “Poor dear, you’re just not as tough as I am,” and in a Southern way. You know–with the silent “bitch” on the end of the sentence.

After I paid with my credit card, she transfered me to Stacy, who gave me two ice packs to begin numbing my face. I exchanged my regular glasses for some big Blue Blocker-style shades with green lenses. Stacy smeared gel around my goatee area, if you will, and asked me if I was ready. As promised, even with my eyes closed the bright flash of the laser startled me each time, even more so than the warm pinch each laser blast gave my skin. Then, we moved onto the other problem area–the embarrassing problem area. The shameful area.

Maybe I’m not the only mother this has happened to, but we girls? Don’t talk about this: nipple hair. Yes, after I started breastfeeding Lauren, I sprouted long, black hairs around my nipples. If I let it grow out, it’s about an inch long. I said I am sexy, right? Anyhoo, I’ve been shaving and plucking those ugly hairs for almost 9 years now, and inevitably one gets ingrown and throbs. So in meetings, when I’m not trying to pluck my chin hairs, I’m putting pressure on my ingrown nipple hair. But not for much longer.

I’m not a very modest person, so I didn’t even blush when Stacy smeared gel over my nipples and leaned in to get a good look. She worked the laser around the area and I didn’t even feel it. Why? “Fatty tissue areas hardly hurt at all,” Stacy says. Hmm. You learn something new every day.

I go back to see Stacy every four weeks to work on the goatee area, and every eight for the nips.

Right now, about two hours later, I feel a little sunburnt around my mouth, but not bad. The good news: the laser light is the same technology used to cure acne, so all of those zits I’ve been getting due to my new hormone cream? They’ll be gone soon too. Call it a gift with purchase.