Best of ’09: Unsung Hero #best09

I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past five years since my divorce. Each therapist had his or her place, and was right for who I was and where I was at those points in time. They took me as far as I could go then, helping me to learn both how to understand and articulate my emotions, which were skills I did not learn growing up.

Each of my previous therapists got me to the big sticking point, and that my friends is called forgiveness. Forgiving my mothers, and my father, and myself, and my ex. Forgiving the people along my path who hurt me deeply and profoundly. Forgiveness is the wall I have yet to climb. I reach it and stop short. I know that when I master this wall, my life will open up. I’ve never been at the point where I am energetic enough, or brave enough, or whatever enough to begin the ascent.

Or perhaps, I haven’t had the right tools.

A few days ago, I wrote about 2009 being the year of working out my shit. I feel that I’ve made a lot of progress and had multiple epiphanies about what core beliefs have been running me and my relationships with other people–and not in a healthy way. Slowly but surely, I’ve been letting go of these unhealthy beliefs and replacing them with new ones using a psychological process called PSYCH-K.

A good friend turned me on to my current therapist, Judi Spendelow, LCSW (there, I’ve violated HIPAA myself), and I clicked with her immediately. Judi is a psychospiritual therapist who uses a variety of techniques and modalities to help heal self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors. She doesn’t use a lot of tell-me-more-about-how-you-feel-about-it therapy. Instead, she uses these practical tools and systems that, you may need to be a little open-minded for. I was open and willing, and PSYCH-K has been changing my life belief by belief since May 2009.

This summer, we worked on silencing the critic that tells me I’ll never be good enough or perfect enough so I shouldn’t even try. We also worked on banishing my mother from my head–and if the great time I had with her on Friday night is any indication–her banshee voice has been cleared some. (Still some work to do in that area). Judi and her techniques have been the key to my growth this year, and will continue to be key parts of my healing my bipolar issues without the use of drugs.

Over the next couple of weeks, we’ll be working on me letting go of the core belief that I am broken because of my genetic propensity towards mental illness, and therefore no treatment will give me relief. There are other issues to clear, such as this tidbit I gleaned from my subconscious last week as I sat in whole mind position: Because as a child I was never allowed to express a full range of emotions, my body has developed the down part of my cycle–severe winter depression–in order to process the stuff I accumulate during the rest of the year. And because our energetic systems always seek equilibrium, I’ve manifested a manic cycle in August that worsens each year as my seasonal depression worsens. Since the PSYCH-K process is about replacing what you don’t want with what you want, I’m working on the precise language for what it is I want. I’ve found that because words are so important to me, only precise language works in these exercises.

Eventually, we will come to forgiveness work. Even though I don’t know that I will ever be ready for tackling forgiveness, because to be honest, if I no longer have my resentments and others to blame and pain, then who am I , really? And how can I make excuses after that point for not becoming who I am supposed to be (which scares the shit out of me)? How can I cling to the level to which I have risen in my life–safe, secure enough, not the best, not the worst, just above the middle of the pack? I will have to give up that security net of victimhood and truly live what I know is true. If anyone and anything will help me climb this wall–or maybe just bust it down–it will be Judi and PSYCH-K.

I do not believe in coincidences, and I do not believe that guides appear in our lives until we are ready for them. I was ready for Judi when I found her, and with her guidance I am opening my life to greater possibilities. And that’s why she’s my unsung hero of 2009.

Blogger Extraordinaire Gwen Bell has issued a blogging challenge for each day of December–a “Best of” for 2009. I’m joining in as I have time and as the topics interest me.