Archive for January, 2010
Days of Grace: 293/365
Posted by: | Comments- New nephew!
- My sister is recovering happily with zero complications.
- I’ve been able to stick to my promise to let myself be a beginner at something–my photography–and as a result I feel relaxed and noncompetitive about it.
- The BINGs of last week are still reverberating: I’m noticing the little places where I feel I need to compete with my ex, and places I’m pushing him down to beat him. Not trying to do anything to change it, but just noticing.
- Today at 1 pm: a 2-hour massage.
Light, line, path
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I attended my first Denver Photowalk Meetup this morning at Confluence Park, just east of downtown Denver. Today’s assignment was to shoot as many photos as possible for an hour, then focus on just a handful of shots for another hour. The lesson: to discover the difference between shooting indiscriminately and editing in the camera.
Given that I’ve been reading about mindfulness in the midst of an overwhelming week, the assignment seemed right on target. The group leader, Alex, suggested that we have a theme or focus in mind. I wasn’t sure until I got started what would draw my eye, but pretty quickly I settled on light, line and pathway. I also decided to work with my Nikkor 50 mm F1.8 lens, which I love but haven’t shot a lot. I wanted to play with depth of field.
This morning at 9, the light was cold and hard. Every line was doubled by dark shadow. I decided to take advantage of the light conditions (after all, that’s what photography is all about) and catch as many contrasts in light as possible. I put on my headphones, pushed play on a Moola Mantra track set on repeat–a chant my birthmother sent me for Christmas that lights my brain on fire–and started shooting.
First, I wandered along the South Platte River, spending about 30 minutes shooting reflections in the water. This is one of my first shots of the day. I love shooting reflections. I spent the first 20 minutes shooting variations of this shot: wide, close, catching the edge of the river, varying shutter speed and aperture. I’m most satisfied this this shot, but I don’t think it’s as interesting as my later shots. Still, it exemplifies my themes.
When I got tired of shooting reflections, I started walking north on the path and the grafitti’d underpass caught my eye. I love the “neopolitan ice cream” aspect of this shot. I took about 12 shots here, deciding on focus and trying not to blow out the left side of the shot.
I love traintracks, and I especially love cairns. They are symbolic of being in the moment and marking where you are in that very breath. In playing with my theme, I stacked these three rocks on the rail and aimed. I took about 40 shots here, finally settling on this composition, focus and depth of field. It’s not quite right … I wish the focus were a little to the right. This is not about perfection, but about practice.
As I was walking back to the group after the first hour, I saw this shot and it struck me as a visualization of my belief about life path: Like the zigzag shadow, you do your best to align with the train tracks but always zig and zag along the way. I like the perspective. I took 3 shots of this scene, playing only with depth of field once I had the beginning, middle and end in frame. I’d like to come back to this shot with a different lens, maybe, or shoot it sitting down … I love the idea of it, and the story of it (the beginning, middle and end), but there’s too much in focus, I think. Maybe cropping would help?
One of my last 3 photos. I took several shots of this scene, playing with depth of field (getting used to manual focus on my Nikkor 50mm 1.8). I love the kacina-doll effect of this angle on the bike rack, the contrast of angle and curve, and the hard shadows. I also like the softness at the back of the photo, which adds some mystery … my idea of “the path.”
One of my last 3 photos. I took 4 shots. This is a horizontal crop of the original. I love the repeating shadows transected by the bottom of the wall, the way the wall cuts that diagonal from southwest to northeast, and the peeling, fading paint. I love the hard light we had this morning.
One of my last 3 photos. I took one shot, intrigued by the line of shadow on the ground vs the burst of light across the purse, all of the diagonals, and the hook.
I met a few people, took some interesting photos and had a lovely time. It’s a good group; I’ll join them again.
Which shot is your favorite? What’s your perspective on life path: a straight line or a zig-zag. Does your ultimate destination change throughout your life?
Days of Grace: 292/365
Posted by: | Comments- Today’s celebration of my organization at the State Capitol went well
- And I picked up 3 new patients to profile: state legislators treated by our doctors
- This work week is over
- This work week is over
- This work week is over
The mystery of the missing white socks
Posted by: | CommentsThis weekend, I yelled at Lauren.
“What are you doing with all of your socks? I just bought you six pair and they’re gone! Are you taking them off at school and leaving them there?”
Lauren is a notorious sock-hater, sneaky about putting them on to appease me then ditching them later. She vehemently denied doing anything with her socks, and agreed that they seemed to be mysteriously missing.
I didn’t quite believe her. I have spent more money than any parent should on socks. I’ve even given the child my socks because she says they’re more comfortable. When I was getting dressed for the gym last week, I noticed I had no workout socks in my drawer. I checked her sock drawer and nope, no socks.
Had the mysterious sock monster that lives in the dryer struck again? Seriously, how could about 15 pair of socks just disappear?
Fast forward to last night: We hear the usual Daisy ferret scream, indicating either Jack or Teddy has invaded her secret Girls Only Hideout behind a lateral file next to the washer and dryer. For the first time in a while, Steve pulled out the cabinet.
“Lynn, you gotta come see this!” he called upstairs.
This is what I saw:
Steve counted 36 socks, 1 pair of white panties and 1 white T-shirt back there, all pilfered from the laundry pile in the basement. Also, note the shoe, which is Teddy’s favorite thing to steal, besides Steve’s wallet, phone and iPod.
We thought Teddy was the resident thief. Turns out he’s an amateur.
Daisy Ferret, master thief-stress. I owe Lauren an apology.
Days of Grace: 291/365
Posted by: | Comments- I was asked to take pictures for my favorite writers group at a big writing conference in April, payment in a free pass.
- Twice this week, my ex has, without complaint, kept Lauren late for me when work delayed me by an hour.
- I am definitely going to get to hire a communications person, doubling my department.
- Teddy loves his new digging box, which is sealed so we don’t wind up with rice embedded on the bottom of our bare feet.
- Steve, and Lauren.
Moments of BING!
Posted by: | CommentsMy past three therapy sessions have been a little frustrating: all talk, no action. Usually, I walk in, we check in, we work a little PSYCH-K magic. I have an epiphany or two and leave feeling good, like I accomplished something. (Because if I’m not fixing something I’m not working.) My epiphanies are BINGs! in my head.
The BINGs! are like sonar beeps: They indicate I’ve hit something important located in the depths of who I am, some belief that’s keeping me stuck, or delivering something into my life that I don’t want.
I live for the BINGs. I love the BINGs. The BINGs are why I pay money for therapy.
Three weeks ago, somehow we got on the topic of my ex. Ugliness ensued. Turns out, I’m still pissed off. I don’t love him. I don’t want him. If not for Lauren I’d be happy not to ever hear/see/talk to him again. So I’m completely detached from him.
And yet, attached. Nails and teeth dug in kind of attached.I spewed for an hour, she chimed in on occasion (I hate those therapists who refuse to engage. Judi’s ’s good at telling me what she thinks when I ask her.) I left all riled up, unsettled and unsatisfied. No magic happened. No bings (even quiet ones).
Last week, we were back on the topic of my ex. I talked about how he accused me of cheating well before I ever did, and explained how I put on weight on purpose to make myself invisible to other men and to provide a physical barrier against his mean jibes.We talked about what core beliefs may be at the bottom of my difficultly dropping weight and keeping it off, and then I left. It was a good conversation, and yet, there was no fixing. Maybe a couple of faint bings. Therapy fail? Maybe, but probably not. Excavation was the word of the day.
Judi gave me homework of writing a letter to him, pouring out all of the feelings onto paper (not here), as a first step of letting go. I’ve been thinking about the letter a lot, but I have not been able to write a word. I’m stuck. Like most of the time in that marriage, my voice is stuck in my throat. I cannot speak to him about these feelings, even though he’d never read the letter.
Yesterday, I confessed this. And soon, I realized that the hate and anger is built upon a foundation of jealousy and competition.
A brief aside: A psychic once told me that he and I were siblings in a past life who competed for our father’s attention and favors, and in this life we were continuing that storyline. That certainly describes much of our relationship. (Yes, I do believe what readers have to tell me. I also believe in past lives.)
I not only need to compete with my ex, but to beat him in the game of life and parenting. If I can’t beat him, then I’ll push him down, even if it means holding myself back. The goal is to hurt him since it’s very unlikely that he will ever tell me I’m justified in my anger and jealousy, or that he’ll ever admit that he has what he has because of me (oooh, I believe that deep in my gut), or apologize for not supporting me in my dreams, or apologize for my fall down the socioeconomic ladder during and after our divorce.
I’ll piss him off every time he has to write the child support check. I’ll make sure I always need the financial support by never making more money than he does so he can remember that he OWES me every single month, even if he only has to pay me $5.
I realized that I experience jealousy and competition with my ex as POWER over him, and if I let go I believe I will lose the footing I’ve gained with him. Illogical, yes, and visceral and true, too.
BING! Core belief alert: If I stop competing with my ex, stop hating him, stop the anger and the jealousy, I will be powerless against him.
I realized that at the end of my first marriage, I had the lifestyle I wanted: the big house, the $50,000 car, travel when we wanted, never any worries about money. Not to mention that I could have all of this and work only 16 hours a week, leaving me plenty of time with my daughter and for me. However, the relationship was awful, I had no sex life, and I had no self esteem.
I do not believe that I will ever reclaim the lifestyle I had if I’m with Steve. Yet we have the best relationship I’ve ever experienced. We communicate. We kiss and make up. I can be wrong and screw up and be a bitch (on occasion) and even depressed, and APOLOGIZE to him, and keep my standing in the relationship. (Who knew?) I love him so much. Our sex life? Too hot for my blog. My self esteem actually registers on a scale. Most days I like who I am.
The first marriage, I got the lifestyle I wanted but had to sacrifice having the relationship I wanted to get it. This time, I have the relationship I want, but have to sacrifice the lifestyle I want to have it.
BING: Core belief alert! I cannot be married and have everything that I want.
The conversation turned to my spiritual beliefs and how I came to believe what I believe. And as I told the story, I began to light up. I realized how far I’ve gotten from living what I believe. All of my struggles are eased when I see my life through the spectacles of my faith. But my point of view is not mainstream. In fact, it’s pretty New Age and Woo-Woo and Not Normal. And I am certain that if I lived my life from what I know is true that I would lose everything and spiral into abject poverty.
Let me say it again: ABJECT POVERTY and SHUNNING for being who I am.
BING: Because when I live my truth, I am utterly alone and unaccepted. And weird. And in abject poverty of all kinds.
Had it not been for the three weeks of talking about all of this, I wouldn’t have excavated these core beliefs, which were buried under all the gross, hard, stuck feelings. These beliefs (and maybe others) combine into the living, breathing dragon called The Resistance that keeps me from living my truth and having the life I want to have. Now that they’ve been laid bare, I can work on changing them using PSYCH-K.
BINGs! help me identify core beliefs that aren’t working, so I can write new ones.
In my next few therapy sessions, we’ll do core balances and other work to integrate these new core beliefs:
- When I am detached from my ex and release all competition, I am powerful and protected.
- I am married and I can have everything I want.
- When I live my truth, I am deeply connected and accepted and loved and rich in all measures.
I love this work, even when it feels like work. Please remind me next time when I’m complaining that it feels stalled that I’m not stuck. The sonar just may have to search deeper to find the next BING!
Final note about BINGs! and my very early Dance of Shiva practice and coincidences (which don’t exist).
This week, I started doing a new yoga-ish practice called the Dance of Shiva. I’ve now done watched the DVD and struggled through the very beginnings of this HARD and oddly flailing practice four times. Apparently, Dance of Shiva helps bring on the BINGs! Coincidence that this week, after being stuck, I am suddenly having BINGs? No such thing as coincidence.
Days of Grace: 290/365
Posted by: | Comments- A busy week at work: stressful yet satisfying
- My old director was all smiley and complimentary of me at a board meeting today. (Last time he threw me under the bus.)
- Steve was in a great mood when I got home, which led to cuddling and kissing in the kitchen … always good.
- Lauren ate fish tonight with only a little complaining.
- The discovery of Dance of Shiva, which is Hard and Fun and just what I was looking for.
