Moments of BING!

My past three therapy sessions have been a little frustrating: all talk, no action. Usually, I walk in, we check in, we work a little PSYCH-K magic. I have an epiphany or two and leave feeling good, like I accomplished something. (Because if I’m not fixing something I’m not working.) My epiphanies are BINGs! in my head.

The BINGs! are like sonar beeps: They indicate I’ve hit something important located in the depths of who I am, some belief that’s keeping me stuck, or delivering something into my life that I don’t want.

I live for the BINGs. I love the BINGs. The BINGs are why I pay money for therapy.

Three weeks ago, somehow we got on the topic of my ex. Ugliness ensued. Turns out, I’m still pissed off. I don’t love him. I don’t want him. If not for Lauren I’d be happy not to ever hear/see/talk to him again. So I’m completely detached from him.

And yet, attached. Nails and teeth dug in kind of attached.I spewed for an hour, she chimed in on occasion (I hate those therapists who refuse to engage. Judi’s ’s good at telling me what she thinks when I ask her.) I left all riled up, unsettled and unsatisfied. No magic happened. No bings (even quiet ones).

Last week, we were back on the topic of my ex. I talked about how he accused me of cheating well before I ever did, and explained how I put on weight on purpose to make myself invisible to other men and to provide a physical barrier against his mean jibes.We talked about what core beliefs may be at the bottom of my difficultly dropping weight and keeping it off, and then I left. It was a good conversation, and yet, there was no fixing. Maybe a couple of faint bings. Therapy fail? Maybe, but probably not. Excavation was the word of the day.

Judi gave me homework of writing a letter to him, pouring out all of the feelings onto paper (not here), as a first step of letting go. I’ve been thinking about the letter a lot, but I have not been able to write a word. I’m stuck. Like most of the time in that marriage, my voice is stuck in my throat. I cannot speak to him about these feelings, even though he’d never read the letter.

Yesterday, I confessed this. And soon,  I realized that the hate and anger is built upon a foundation of  jealousy and competition.

A brief aside: A psychic once told me that he and I were siblings in a past life who competed for our father’s attention and favors, and in this life we were continuing that storyline. That certainly describes much of our relationship. (Yes, I do believe what readers have to tell me. I also believe in past lives.)

I not only need to compete with my ex, but to beat him in the game of life and parenting. If I can’t beat him, then I’ll push him down, even if it means holding myself back. The goal is to hurt him since it’s very unlikely that he will ever tell me I’m justified in my anger and jealousy, or that he’ll ever admit that he has what he has because of me (oooh, I believe that deep in my gut), or apologize for not supporting me in my dreams, or apologize for my fall down the socioeconomic ladder during and after our divorce.

I’ll piss him off every time he has to write the child support check. I’ll make sure I always need the financial support by never making more money than he does  so he can remember that he OWES me every single month, even if he only has to pay me $5.

I realized that I experience jealousy and competition with my ex as POWER over him, and if I let go I believe I will lose the footing I’ve gained with him. Illogical, yes, and visceral and true, too.

BING! Core belief alert: If I stop competing with my ex, stop hating him, stop the anger and the jealousy, I will be powerless against him.

I realized that at the end of my first marriage, I had the lifestyle I wanted: the big house, the $50,000 car, travel when we wanted, never any worries about money. Not to mention that I could have all of this and work only 16 hours a week, leaving me plenty of time with my daughter and for me. However, the relationship was awful, I had no sex life, and I had no self esteem.

I do not believe that I will ever reclaim the lifestyle I had if I’m with Steve. Yet we have the best relationship I’ve ever experienced. We communicate. We kiss and make up. I can be wrong and screw up and be a bitch (on occasion) and even depressed, and APOLOGIZE to him, and keep my standing in the relationship. (Who knew?) I love him so much. Our sex life? Too hot for my blog. My self esteem actually registers on a scale. Most days I like who I am.

The first marriage, I got the lifestyle I wanted but had to sacrifice having the relationship I wanted to get it. This time, I have the relationship I want, but have to sacrifice the lifestyle I want to have it.

BING: Core belief alert! I cannot be married and have everything that I want.

The conversation turned to my spiritual beliefs and how I came to believe what I believe. And as I told the story, I began to light up. I realized how far I’ve gotten from living what I believe. All of my struggles are eased when I see my life through the spectacles of my faith. But my point of view is not mainstream. In fact, it’s pretty New Age and Woo-Woo and Not Normal. And I am certain that if I lived my life from what I know is true that I would lose everything and spiral into abject poverty.

Let me say it again: ABJECT POVERTY and SHUNNING for being who I am.

BING: Because when I live my truth, I am utterly alone and unaccepted. And weird. And in abject poverty of  all kinds.

Had it not been for the three weeks of talking about all of this, I wouldn’t have excavated these core beliefs, which were buried under all the gross, hard, stuck feelings. These beliefs (and maybe others) combine into the living, breathing dragon called The Resistance that keeps me from living my truth and having the life I want to have. Now that they’ve been laid bare, I can work on changing them using PSYCH-K.

BINGs! help me identify core beliefs that aren’t working, so I can write new ones.

In my next few therapy sessions, we’ll do core balances and other work to integrate these new core beliefs:

• When I am detached from my ex and release all competition, I am powerful and protected.
• I am married and I can have everything I want.
• When I live my truth, I am deeply connected and accepted and loved and rich in all measures.

I love this work, even when it feels like work. Please remind me next time when I’m complaining that it feels stalled that I’m not stuck. The sonar just may have to search deeper to find the next BING!

Final note about BINGs! and my very early Dance of Shiva practice and coincidences (which don’t exist).

This week, I started doing a new yoga-ish practice called the Dance of Shiva. I’ve now done watched the DVD and struggled through the very beginnings of this HARD and oddly flailing practice four times. Apparently, Dance of Shiva helps bring on the BINGs! Coincidence that this week, after being stuck, I am suddenly having BINGs? No such thing as coincidence.