Feb

Busting Patterns

By lynn

Usually this time of year, I feel very very stuck. This is the time of year I post the most about depression. But this year, not so much. Interesting …

I’ve been doing all of this core-belief-busting work with Judi through PSYCH-K, and then I’ve started doing this weird flailing yoga called shiva nata, and together they are bringing the moments of BING I talked about on January 28.

These tools are allowing me to get clear on the unhelpful patterns in my life. Instead of feeling trapped in them like a blind woman trapped in a big scary maze, I can envision the exits–multiple points of egress from the patterns. And instead of feeling the patterns–huge bursts of elation or huge bursts of panic/terror/anger/rage/depression–I’m actually starting to see the patterns … and from a more clinical, detached perspective.

Such as: I’ve been making my ex pay by making him literally pay. And in order to make him pay, I have made sure that I don’t make more money than he does.

This action stems from a core belief that if I don’t compete with my ex, I lose my power with him. The competition is old, old news. Maybe stemming back centuries (because I believe in past lives, yes I do). And I’m ready to let go of this belief.

Enter Shiva Nata

When I was on the pom squad in high school, we often used complicated arm combinations in our dances. Imagine me in a cheerleading skirt, but instead of waving pom pons, I’m spiraling my arms through a series of positions reminiscent of tae kwon do, tai chi and walking like an Egyptian. Now, erase all sense of grace and beauty from my movements and put me in yoga pants and a Tshirt with bedhead and mascara smeared under my eyes … and you have my current, very beginning, very imperfect shiva nata practice.

And now, imagine me in the shower (ooh, baby) with my eyes closed post-shivanauting, and join me as I have a bunch of brain zapping new connections that make me say aha!

On Thursday I did some shiva nata on competing with my ex. I had a tiny bing but couldn’t really articulate what it was. It was more of a shift, which, by the way, sounds like sandpaper sliding across a table.

And then, PSYCH-K

I’ve been doing PSYCH-K with Judi since last May when I almost lost my mind and my life because of stupid Wellbutrin mania. In the past nine months, we’ve cleared out a lot of junk from my subconscious … enough that I could see this pattern with my ex clear as day. And even almost laugh about it, but not quite.

I don’t think I’ve described the process before. The idea is that our patterns are driven by core beliefs that live in our deep subconscious, and without specific energy work, we cannot move these beliefs. These deep beliefs are what cause most affirmation work either to fail or to fail to stick. PSYCH-K is a little out there, but if you’re like me and embrace the Woo Woo, you might find the process interesting.

In my sessions, we either work on little things that are hanging me up (even when they’re big, such as when I banished my mother from my head) or big things that are either really hanging me up or are affecting broad swaths of my life. These big things take a “core belief balance.”

Statement pairs: I can/I can’t

Everything PSYCH-K starts with a positive affirmation. On Thursday, Judi and I did some core belief busting with a core balance on “I release all old, current and future competition with my ex.” When we do the core balance, we use muscle testing to see if I believe or don’t believe any of 13 statement pairs in terms of the core pattern. One statement is positive (I can) the other is negative (I can’t). I might be strong on both, weak on both, have a reversal (strong on the no and weak on the yes) or normal.

We go through the 13 statement pairs, and then she asks my highest self to indicate–again through muscle testing–which statement pair is the highest priority to work on. Sometimes, we can clear this statement with a series of actions and the rest of the reversals, double strongs and double weaks fix themselves. Sometimes we have to clear a bunch of statements.

Then comes the energy work

Once we have the statement selected, Judi tests a series of energy points down my body, asking my highest self to tell her where this belief is blocked energetically. Almost always I am blocked around my stomach: 2nd and 3rd chakras, center of personal power.

We do some energy work to move the block, check the statements again to make sure they’re normal, then ask if we’re done. When all the statement pairs are aligned, we integrate the beliefs into my physical and internal bodies, looking for any weaknesses and clearing them up with more energy work.

A core balance can take an hour or more. After they’re done, I usually feel silly, because there’s a guardian–I think it’s a coyote–that tells me fixing big deep problems that have plagued me for a lifetime does not happen with a little hovering of fingers over my belly button and repeating of affirmations.

Until it does.

This week’s block

In working on the issue of releasing all old, current and future competition with my ex, the screwed up statement pair was:

“I forgive myself and others for all the wrongs done to me, and I take responsibility for my own life.” (weak)
“I blame myself and others for my difficulties.” (strong)

The blocked belief point was right below my belly button. Its name is “letting go.” Coincidence? HA!

My belief point affirmation was “I joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future.” I struggle with all concepts in this statement, because I believe that holding onto the past and expecting the worst protects me from pain. And, there is no joy in releasing the past. But I do the work. Then, I let the magic happen.

When everything is aligned and we retest the original affirmation and my muscle test reads strong, Judi gives me a high five. I roll my eyes because I have a hard time believing that I can destuckify myself without a lot of hard work because I am complicated and everything I do is harder than it is for other people. (We haven’t had a lot of luck clearing that one out, but we’re working on it.)

Frankly, I was surprised that this week’s clearing was so easy … and I’m suspicious that the shiva nata in the morning was an oil can to the stuck parts, making them easy to jar loose. I’ll do more this week and make an official determination.

It’s about the noticing

I’ve never had a huge, life-changing shift after either shiva nata or PSYCH-K. Instead of a sandpaper shift, the belief feels like it slips away into the night. I keep my eyes and ears open for changes, and they come in little bits of ZAP! and BING! across my brain. The next situation that arises that would usually become complicated or harder because of the core beliefs usually feel smoother. I encounter them with more calm and distance. I notice what’s going on both inside of me and outside of me, which is downright impossible to do if a belief is in full action. When I find myself not reacting, I know that particular pattern is busted.

Just in time to move onto busting the next one. This is lifetime work, people.