Crushed.
ByThis is why I don’t get my hopes up about anything. This is why I plan for the worst. This is why, whenever I put myself out there and ask for what I want and what I need, my body is wracked with anxiety. Because things I wish for–things I really, really want–do not come true.
My new boss has vetoed my request to hire 2 new employees. I had previously understood this request, which also included a promotion and raise for me, would be approved. This morning, my supervisor sent me an email titled “a set back.” She’s going to bat for me, for the organization. It’s a matter of money, and a matter of helping leadership really understand what investment it takes to make their vision possible. Maybe down the line she will make the case in a way that I haven’t. For now, none of it is moving forward.
I understand that the decision is not personal. It is not about me. Yet, I am beyond disappointed. I am crushed.
I have been living as if … planning as if … spending the extra money I’d make in my head. I’ve fantasized about telling my ex I don’t need his child support anymore, becoming free from him, and equal to him. About having enough money to pay off my and Steve’s bills. About finally being able to save for a new house. About being free from the financial worries in our household. And I’ve laughed about how little more money it would take to actually set us (me) free.
I’ve fantasized about the work too. About mentoring a team. About the team telling our organization’s story at a whole new level because we finally had enough staff to do it. About moving away from being a doer and stepping into the strategic leadership role I’ve worked so hard to reach over the past 20 years. About planning and implementing a desperately needed internal communications program. About letting go of writing about science, as interesting as it is, and letting someone who is a trained science writer do a better job. About building a world-class organizational website that sets the standard for blending New Media with traditional web communication. About being equal, at last, to my peers in terms of title, stature and staffing.
About becoming who I am supposed to be in my profession.
I do all of this personal work, the PSYCH-K, the Nia, the shiva nata, the journaling, the shamanic meditation, the belly button gazing, in order to change my patterns. I asked for what I needed and wanted. I hoped for my request to come true. I wrote detailed proposals and job descriptions. I researched salary ranges. I put the whole thing in a big pink bubble and sent it on its way, saying And So It Is, trusting that the universe is on my side.
The bubble has popped. The answer is no. And here I sit, a mess of sadness and anger and disappointment and frustration and anxiety. Chocolate is not helping. I hoped, and once again, I am told that I don’t get to have what I want. Now, I sit here wondering what the lesson is, what I’m doing wrong, what I am supposed to do next.
Let those feelings go. You did everything right it’s just not time for that particular item that you put out a call for to materialise. Your boss said it was a “set back” right? Not “Lynn I can’t believe you bothered asking because NO,NO,NO,NO. PS-all your fault.”
Maybe it happens after the next quarter or board meeting. OR maybe this is the universes way of pushing you to do something new, sometimes what you ask the universe for is delivered in different form. Sorry to sound like a new age nut.
Hang in there cos as far as I can see you are doing brilliantly.
I know, I know. Window closed, door opens. Plant a seed in the garden and the resulting tree sprouts in the field. I get it.
But this is the first time in a long, long time that I’ve put myself out there. So it sucks.
I so appreciate the comment, Brandy.I could hardly call you a new age nut. I mean, hell, have you read my blog?
Sorry you had a setback – those can suck, especially if you are already planning how to use some extra salary. Extra suck.
On the other hand, you did put yourself out there in asking for compensation (trade or money) for doing photography for that group, right? So it’s not all setback!
Keep fighting the good fight! And remember – if you don’t ask, you don’t get, so you might as well ask. It’s all upside.
FWIW when I have minions again I am totally using “I can’t believe you bothered asking because NO,NO,NO,NO. PS-all your fault.” Priceless, thanks Brandy.
Derende´s last blog ..Rinse. Repeat.
D,
i think it’s less about the asking and more about what I do to myself after I ask, which is usually tell myself it won’t happen so that I don’t get disappointed if it doesn’t and get excited if it does!
This time, I tried to hope for the best, plan for the best, and ugh. And ouch. And hard. And yuck.
but I’m better today.
Here’s the thing. At the same time you’re putting your stuff out into the universe, other people are, too. Institutions with limited budgets are. Other project managers are.
I know you know this: keep asking. If you slink away, your plan is perceived as an impulse. If you keep talking about it as “WHEN” your thing gets funded, you remind people about it, you show that you recognize budgetary constraints but that those constraints don’t make your thing less valuable.
In the meantime, poooooh!!! Sorry!
Jenifer Ward´s last blog ..Nanny, Zula, and the Cataract Surgery
Thanks Jenifer! Yeah, I get the reasons. I get the limited resources.
I will keep asking. And, I’ve said that the new website will be put on hold until we have sufficient staff to build and maintain it at the level it is expected to be maintained … I will keep asking for sure.
I’m better today, but I was squashed yesterday.
Awww SUCK. I’m so sorry!
I can see you know the value of being upset about it for a while, which is good. It’s always hard to get a NO when you were expecting a YES. Especially when you were expecting a DEFINITELY YES.
*hug*
I can’t wait to see what better thing was waiting for you, because you know it is. It’s so close you can taste it.
..by which I don’t mean to imply that this will be NO forever, but perhaps YES later will be an even better YES than you dreamed of originally. You know?
Rachael´s last blog ..Stuff That Doesn’t Suck #2: Vacation Edition