Whack-a-mole and the People Pleasing Autobahn

[[Hi to readers from thefluentself.com. Thanks for reading!]]

To say the past 8 days were hard is an understatement. I’ve just wrapped up one of the toughest weeks of my life. I don’t read my horoscope any more, but I’m sure it said something like gemini, your work life is going to be a giant ball of SUCK all week, so eat your Wheaties.

I think suck happens when your patterns are in rapid-fire mode. Sure enough, my patterns were storming like Snowpocalypse 2010. Let’s start at the end and make a loop, shall we?

Start with a Little Shiva Nata

Yesterday morning, I added legs and rotations to my Level 1 shiva nata practice. For those of you unfamiliar–which is probably most of you–this means taking something that feels complicated and amping up the complication factor by 10. I was beyond imperfect. I sucked in a good way. (because you’re not supposed to be good at this practice) As part of my brain puzzled over several wtf moments (how did the guy on the DVD wind up backwards?) another part of my brain stopped, then said bing!

LOOK, it said, at what happened this week. And then it started a movie reel complete with voice over:

• major shoe-throwing last Friday,where a very educated man (but not in my field) called my expertise into question and then proceeded to do my job for me and throw me under the bus in an email cc’ing a lot of people (I am WRONG! which means I am UNLOVABLE and BAD and NOT AS SMART AS I THINK I AM)
• Wednesday’s big set back (not about me but all about me! Rejection of who I am at a core level! And proof I shouldn’t hope!)
• News on Thursday that two people I respect (and ultimately report to) and I thought respected me don’t think I work very hard (LAZY! LAZY! and BAD! and withdrawal of love due to not meeting unexpressed expectations! hello really old core beliefs), which partially led to said setback
• Just for fun, throw in computer issues that caused lots of crashing and losing of work and calls to the help desk, which equals a general sense of helplessness and out-of-sorts-with-the-universe-ness and self-pity (See, nothing ever goes easy for me)

Then my brain asked: What if all of this is just a test? What if the only way you can know that you’ve whacked that mole of a pattern is if it pops up again and you a) notice it and b) react differently?

Huh.

The People Pleasing Autobahn

Last fall, Judi and I did some work on the core belief that other people’s opinions of me set my own self-esteem. I’ve spent most of my life believing other people’s opinions of me were truer and more valid (because they know better than me) than my own opinions of myself. That core belief has had me on the People Pleasing Autobahn (PPA) since I was a kid.

Patterns become patterns because they work for you. Core beliefs get rooted to your core because they are validated. The belief that I am only loved and accepted when I do-behave-believe what others want me to — what makes them happy — has been reinforced by more experiences than I could ever count.

We cleared the belief using PSYCH-K, and I thought I’d challenged it a few times … with my mom about Christmas, a couple of ways at work. Yesterday I realized that the events of the past week were the real tests: Who did I believe? Them? Or me? Whose opinion will set how I feel about myself?

And (drum roll, please) … can I love and accept myself when others withdraw their love and acceptance?

Beliefs Arrive in Gangs

Core beliefs are rarely singular. There’s a gang leader (aka PPA), and supporting members who do the tagging of signs and looting and drug selling and running of prostitution rings to keep the enterprise going, plus the Internal Defense Attorney Monsters (IDAMs) who keep their enterprises alive. Mine:

• People with more education always know better than me, and they ARE better than me because I have only a BA. From a city college. (ooh, the IDAMs love this one, always jumping up to my defense by saying BUT I got a really high SAT score and had a full ride to a very prestigious liberal arts college in Vermont but got scared and didn’t go … and Metro had the best J-school in the state at the time … and I did go to CSU for 3 years … and I graduated at the top of my class, magna cum laude. And I got into two top grad schools but didn’t go because I had a baby. And because my ex was mean and unsupportive. See? I’m just as smart and good and valuable!)
• Everything is personal, so I should take it really personally. And I did. Especially the part about not working very hard. Owie!
• And of course, don’t ask for the stuff I really want because it won’t happen. And if I dare ask, don’t wish and hope and dream about it because that just brings on big disappointments. In other words, plan for the worst (and don’t bother hoping for the best) because I don’t deserve to get everything I really want. Only part of what I want. Because getting everything I want is greedy and bad and selfish.

and also, especially after my tears and sadness and feelings of defeat and then (mortified blush) BLOGGING in the middle of it:

• My feelings are invalid and stupid and I have no right to express them, and
• I am only allowed to feel the “good” feelings, so I need to move through the “bad” feelings as quickly as possible. No MOPING!

Have I exited the People Pleasing Autobahn for good? Are these people’s opinions of me truer and more important than my own opinion of who I am and what I’m good at and why I do it and how hard I work? Is the Mole whacked?

The Same

I reacted in my usual pattern:

• First, Anger
• Then, frustration, sadness
• Figuring out how to quit. (Oh, there were spreadsheets.)
• Getting defensive. Taking it personally.
• Telling myself to stfu with all the whining already. To GET OVER IT. Silencing myself.
• Then figuring out how I could salvage my reputation: put in extra, very visible hours (email those upper management folks at 9pm from my work account! be the last one to leave at night!) (I’ll show them!)
• Planning a confrontation, complete with gnashing of teeth and more Spreadsheets of Truth and exit plans and lots of creative lawyering by the IDAMs.
• Taking it personally some more, and believing the opinions of others over mine. Hearing them in my head, shaming me.
• Feeling defeated, because I never win. Ever. I’m only good enough to receive a partial settlement.
• And the despair. Yes, the thought of fine, I’ll just kill myself then and you can see how much I did matter as you mourn my absence, did enter my head  … that’s a pattern too.

Then, Thursday night, as I lay in bed on the verge of tears, I said to Steve: “Owie! Could you please reach into my chest and pull this hurt out? Because I hate it and it sucks.”

To which he said:

“You are not going to let these people change what you know about yourself.”

At which my hurt brain, spirit and feelings opened up their clenched fists and let in a little light of truth. (I also kissed him. My husband may be a man of few words compared to me, but the ones he speaks during these times are dead on. He rocks.)

The Different

Then yesterday morning, the bing! while completely twisting up my brain and body in shiva nata:

Lynn, meet your patterns. You can choose to react differently.

I feel better today, more clear-headed. Of course, it’s helpful that my boss M and I had a full-on strategy session about the big set back (which came to pass because of a serious lack of understanding about the sheer amount of work it will take to build and maintain a 500-page website … which no, you can’t just buy off the shelf or cut-and-paste, thank you), and we’re going to try to turn one of the Nos into a Yes.

There’s still a bruise in my chest from the “you’re lazy” message. That genuinely hurt, and you know what? It’s OK that it hurts and makes me feel sad. And the big set back still feels disappointing, because well, it is. I am not wallowing, but I am also not going to stuff those feelings.

I AM allowed to feel the bad feelings for however I need to feel them. I don’t need to fix them, or rush them. I can let them pass on their own time, gently. (All the while knowing, as you have reminded me in your comments, that there is probably a bigger YES around the corner–one that I don’t even know exists yet. Thank you all for your kindness and support.)

And I’m also not going to beat myself up for only pulling over in a rest stop on the People Pleasing Autobahn. I know for sure that big beliefs and patterns are shed layer by layer. That I’ve recognized all of this as a challenge to the changes I’ve made is a victory in itself.

Can I love and accept myself when others withdraw their love and acceptance?

It’s tricky, but deep down where my truth lives, the answer is yes … a yes that is growing louder by the minute.

(As I wrote that line, I felt a big, deep gash inside me start knitting itself up. It feels like layer after layer of zippers being zipped up from my pubic bone to my chin. Wow!)

The only way to know if you’ve broken a pattern or changed a core belief is to have the triggering situation appear, to notice it, and choose to react differently. That’s where I am, right now.