I want a crystal ball
ByAnd the body drama, which I thought would be fixed by the D&C, followed by daily birth control pills, continues.
It’s been a month since the procedure. For the first 10 days, I sat in deep worry. All I remembered my doctor saying was they found some abnormalities, and that if a cancer diagnosis came back, we needed to be prepared for a quick hysterectomy. And I waited and waited to get the pathology back. Apparently, three days after the procedure, she left a message saying the pathology was normal–no indication of hyperplasia even–but the message didn’t go onto my phone. Who knows where she left it. I didn’t get it, and I spent a whole week past that date thinking that they must be running more tests, that it must be bad, because if it was normal I would have heard something. I got it in my mind that I had cancer. And then, it turned out I was OK.
Except I had a uterine infection, post-surgical, and that required a week on flagyl. Now any woman who’s taken this drug knows that a) you cannot have any alcohol because you will get sick as a dog and b) the longer you take it the worse it makes you feel. By day 10 I had to take in in the middle of a meal so as not to get nauseous.
At that point, I’d been taking a low-dose birth control pill for two weeks. The plan was that I would take the pill continuously, skipping the placebos to suppress my period. Two Wednesdays ago, I had a night of insomnia, followed by a day of intense sugar cravings and mood swings–my typical PMS. Last Friday, I started pack 2 of the active pill. And I also started bleeding.
That was a surprise. I’d expected that if I took the active pill continuously I’d skip my period.
My cramps were bad enough that it took 600 mg of naproxen + valium to make me mobile. All the other issues I’ve had since I was 12 1/2 came back too. Let’s call them digestive upsets. By this past Wednesday, I was bleeding heavier when the bleeding should have tapered off, per my “normal” cycle. I emailed my doctor, who said it is not abnormal for it to take a couple of packs to override my cycle. (WHAT normal cycle, I thought. I haven’t had a normal cycle since 2000.) Yesterday, I’d stopped bleeding.
Then, this morning I went to a hatha yoga class. We’re talking easy. No sun salutations, just holding a few poses, lots of breathing, a few hip openers, a couple of twists. Halfway through I felt myself starting to bleed again, enough that I had to leave the class for a moment. My cramps came back toward the end of the class.
This is the pattern I was in before. Stop bleeding. Exercise or have sex. Resume bleeding. It’s why I quit my gym, stopped working out. My once A+ sex life is nonexistent.
I came home from class in tears. I really believed that the D&C, getting all that overgrown crap out of my uterus, would make things right again. That the pill–which has put enough weight on me that I had to go up yet another size in the past month–would make me normal again. That I was done with this, that my marriage could be repaired after the damage this whole mess has done to it over the past 6 months, for sure, and the last 20 months most likely.
I emailed my doctor, and I have an appointment on Monday at 815. I feel guilty about reaching out to her that way because I’m taking advantage of the fact that we work for the same institution. Other patients don’t have that access. Yet we do have the precedent. And I’m fed up. I am tired of suffering with this.
I don’t know what options she’s going to give me: another, stronger birth control pill? Perhaps an ablation since the pathology showed no abnormalities? Maybe I should just throw in the towel and have the hysterectomy. That will certainly solve the problem, but what other problems will it cause?
I want a crystal ball that will tell me what will give me the best outcome. I want someone to say: Drink this potion and everything will go back to normal. Steve says he wants his wife back. Well, you know what? I want me back too.
