Archive for Fitness
The end of violence
Posted by: | CommentsTonight I made it to the gym for the first time in a week, and for the first time on a weeknight since I don’t know when. It helps that it’s now light outside until after 6. It also helps that the gym is halfway between Judi’s office and home. I haven’t been working out lately beyond the shiva nata and Nia. Lifting, doing cardio–anything hard-core–feels wrong.
It feels violent.
I have spent most of my life beating the shit out of myself over my body. I have used exercise as a way to punish myself for being imperfect. I have exercised to the point of vomiting. I have trained so hard–especially on climbs on my bike–that I had asthma attacks. I have pushed myself to the point of injury, all the time calling myself weak and lazy and fat and useless and a loser when I quit. (Quit, not ’stopped’.) I didn’t do it to be healthy, I did it because I was a perfectionist. For a long time, my body responded by dropping fat, getting muscley. I could run hard or bike hard or lift hard for several months and rid my body of evidence of months of sloth. In 1994 my thyroid went kaput, and my body became sluggish in response. The cruel words my ex-husband threw at me was nothing compared to what I did to myself.
What I do to myself.
I can tell story after story of how I lost weight, then regained it. I can write about starving myself, punishing myself by deprivation. I can speak of violence.
Now, it seems the harder I push my body, the harder my body pushes back. In 2007 Steve and I did P90x, a very intense workout, for 12 weeks. My body responded by getting very strong (I could do almost 100 pushups over an hour’s time) but also refusing to drop any body fat. In retrospect, it’s like it was an abused woman who had finally put out a restraining order against her tormentor.
I didn’t think I knew how to do it any differently. I mean, to be healthy, you go to the gym and lift weights violently, push yourself through advanced yoga (yes, even yoga can be violent on the inside) and walk the treadmill at extreme angles, right? Nia doesn’t count as exercise because it’s gentle, and the shiva nata, well, that’s not exercise at all.
When I got to the gym tonight, I decided to try a kick boxing class. I always loved kickboxing, especially visualizing a particularly frustrating person’s face in the range of my fists. In the late 1990s, I belonged to a gym that let us wrap our hands and punch dummies and hand pads. The physical contact was thrilling and such a release. It was taught by a diminutive, bad-ass Vietnamese woman who used the class to make us women feel powerful, or so I told myself. Often, I’d push myself to the point of exhaustion so I’d barely be able to drag myself to the car. I motivated myself to do every rep through name-calling.
Tonight, though, it was different.
The teacher introduced himself as Mike Sucks. I considered leaving at that, but I thought, what the heck, I’m good at modifying. But there was no modifying in this class. I kept up for the first 20 minutes, and when I tried to modify pushups on my knees, Mike Sucks “encouraged me” by calling me out in class. And then, he instructed us to run sprints. I don’t run because childbirth stretched the tendons that hold my bladder in place, and when I run I wet my pants. But Mike Sucks “encouraged me” some more and I ran. And I wet my pants. And then, I couldn’t breathe. It’s been a long time since I’ve had an exercise-induced asthma attack.
In the past, I would have pushed through it, perhaps taking a short break for water, or running to the bathroom to empty my bladder and catch my breath. But tonight as my lungs closed up, my higher self called to me softly, telling me it was OK to stop. That stopping didn’t mean I am lazy, or not as good as the women in the class. For the first time, I listened to my truth, not my monsters. I waived goodbye to Mike Sucks–who said he was taking it easy on the class due to all the newbies–and walked out with no regrets.
Instead of throwing shoe after shoe at myself because I couldn’t hack it, I chose peace. I am proud of myself. I still don’t have a metaphor for exercise. But perhaps, with this change in behavior I won’t need one.
Days of Grace: 263/365
Posted by: | Comments- Usually, Christmas is really stressful for me to the point of migraines or serious nausea. Yesterday? Was great with none of that stuff.
- On the way home from my parents’, Steve thanked me for all I’ve done for Christmas, including all the shopping, the decorating and planning to make it special. I’m grateful that I married a man who understands I need that kind of acknowledgment.
- Steve broke the budget and gave me a stunning blue topaz and diamond tennis bracelet. It’s hands down the nicest Christmas gift I’ve ever received.
- Lauren now has more Littlest Pet Shops than most retail stores, which means she will be kept busy for many months.
- Today, I felt good enough to a) go to the gym, b) ride the elliptical for 30 minutes and c) do a 90-minute hatha yoga class that I know I’ll be feeling tomorrow. I really love my gym, and I’m so grateful that I get an employee discount or I’d never be able to afford it.
What I get this time of year
Posted by: | CommentsI’m catching up on my Google Reader (only 150 more posts to go) after a several day hiatus, and I realized that I must be the only blogger in the whole of the Internets who didn’t do a Thanksgiving Thankful List. Maybe my (almost) daily lists seemed like enough. Or maybe, it’s that time of year when the dark blankets out the light in my life, and I don’t really feel much above flat. Thankfulness is definitely a higher vibration.
It’s been creeping up on me, and last night, after I had a particularly spectacular meltdown in response to Lauren stepping on (and crushing) my one-of-a-kind custom prescription sunglasses (by accident), Steve scooted over to me on the couch and wrapped himself around me and asked if I was OK. I remembered then that I never feel the depression until I’m crushed beneath it. That’s why it’s so hard for me to manage: I don’t see the bud to nip. The flower’s in full bloom before I even notice it’s there.
This morning, I got up and went to Nia, which is a wonderful form of exercise. Dana was the teacher today, and the routine was about being childlike again. I don’t think I’ve been a child since I was about 7, so I had to reach down deep to find her. Parts of the routine caused me to cry, others to laugh. That’s not unusual. I was short-breathed for minutes after class, when I met with a trainer named Clint for a free stretching session. I wish I could afford to see him a few times a week (at $45 a crack) because my body feels wonderful right now. But the elevated mood only lasts so long.
When I got home, I showered and used my lightbox for 45 minutes. Because I’ve been sleeping in, I haven’t used it since Tuesday. Not smart. I’m sure that’s why I’ve been so angry and agitated for the past couple of days. I have exactly one nerve left, I tell you. And it frayed today with Ryan, who was disrespectful and disobedient and made me so angry that I grounded him AND screamed at him (after he screamed at me, telling me I had ruined his life by marrying his dad, and he wished Steve had never met me, and that I am not his mother and he does not have to listen to me. I’m still seething). Steve was at work. It was not fun. I left him a message about what happened, and he texted back that he was disappointed in ME and that I need to learn to act my age. Icing on the cake I tell you.
Luckily, I had an escape plan. Steve’s Aunt Pat asked me to take her family’s photo for their holiday cards. So I took Lauren with me, and we stopped at Starbucks on the way to Englewood. I know I should find a healthier stress relief mechanism than sugar. But nothing–not a prescription, or a run, or a drink, or a hug, or crying, or shopping, or ANYTHING–feels better than sugar in terms of stress relief. I got the new Caramel Brulee Latte, and it was delicious. I petted Lauren’s hair as we waited in line, and she told me how much she loves me, which made me feel better. I think she tries to protect me from my own moods.
We then spent about 30 minutes taking photos of Pat, her boys and their crazy Wheaten terriers. I love taking photos, so I was up again.
Steve’s text made me not want to go home, but I told Pat I’d process the photos and send them to her tonight so she could order her cards tomorrow. Ryan was asleep when we arrived and Steve wasn’t home yet, I felt relief. I spent an hour processing and emailing. Steve came home and reiterated his disappointment in me, which I am choosing to ignore. I don’t care if he’s disappointed. He wasn’t hear to witness, and I know I was right. He had a long talk with Ryan in the basement, and Ryan kind of apologized. Kind of. I said thank you. I’m still angry, but no longer pissed.
At this point, I feel like the rollercoaster has cruised back to the platform. Today has been a wild ride of emotion, from the near-crying at Nia to the screaming at Ryan to the high of hugging Lauren in Starbucks (who told me she loves me as big as all the universes and galaxies) to the numbness from Steve’s text. If this day had happened in June, I would have handled it all without as much adrenaline or drama. But it’s not June, it’s the end of November. And this is what I get this time of year.
Days of Grace: 134-135/365
Posted by: | Comments- Sleeping next to Steve is so much better than cuddling with extra pillows
- After way too much shopping, I finally found the right stuff for making our invitations
- And even though I really don’t want to DIY anything on this wedding, the invitations are something I can actually do on my own after years of scrapbooking
- And Laurel offered to help
- And Steve offered to help too
- My dad turns 69 on Tuesday, and he’s relatively healthy for an old smoking, scotch drinking type 2 diabetic
- I got to see my longtime friend Viv and her mom Marie tonight
- Chocolate cake
- The P90X DVDs Kenpo X and Plyometrics, which kick my ass but more than make up for #8
- Blogher in 4 days!
The first 10 pounds
Posted by: | CommentsI bought my wedding dress last summer. Since then, I’ve put on about 7 pounds and while the dress fits, it’s uncomfortable. Ultimately, I’d like to shed the 20 pounds I’ve put on in the past 2 years (thanks to the Fucking Mirena), but given my past history with difficulties dropping weight easily, I will be happy to lose 10 so I can comfortably wear my beautiful gown.
Last week, I started to purge refined foods from my diet. Gone are sandwiches with bread (even whole wheat) and processed lunch meats. In are salads filled with veggies and a little protein. Sugar has been the hardest to kick. I caved a couple of times last week, eating a Three Musketeers one day, a sleeve of Sweettarts the other. I’ve allowed myself a little chocolate–one square of a Newman’s 70% cocoa dark chocolate bar–every day. I haven’t missed gluten and wheat much at all. I do miss cheese. Ah, creamy, luscious, dreamy cheese.
I’ve also been diligent about going to the gym. I even got there yesterday morning before work to lift upper body and do an interval elliptical workout.
In the past, I’ve gotten incredibly frustrated because while most people can start losing weight right away on a new program, I usually don’t. My body loves set points: at 187, 183, 178, 171, 169, 165, 162. I know this because in 2003 I did Atkins, starting at 188 lbs. I lost a pound the first week, then the needle didn’t move on the scale for 6 more weeks. And anyone who’s done Atkins knows that induction sucks ass, so to see no results is awful.
Last year, I needed to drop about 7 pounds before I went to Vegas with friends, so I hired a trainer and nutritionist. I started at 179, and once again, I got stuck at 178 for almost 2 months. My consultants were baffled. They tried shaking up the workout–more weights, less weights, no weights, no carbs, some carbs, all carbs. What worked best was some carbs and some weights. Turns out I put on muscle like a fiend. I can easily increase my bicep curls from 10 reps of 10 lbs to 15 reps of 25 lbs in about 3 weeks. So if I lift too much, I don’t lose weight at all. I did get down to 171 before Vegas (and into my size 10s). However, I tend to only lose at the rate of about 0.5 lb a week.
Now I have 12 weeks to drop 7 pounds. I weigh myself on Tuesdays, and last week, I was at 184. This morning, I’m at 182. I weighed myself three times, same scale. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I wonder if the difference has something to do with all the vitamins I’m taking, or the fact that I don’t have an alien device sitting in my uterus spewing out nasty synthetic hormones. All I can say is it’s been a long time since I lost 2 pounds in a week. And skipped a set point. And it feels great!
Process of Elimination
Posted by: | CommentsI’ve finished reading the UltraMind book. Its recommendations really aren’t anything I haven’t read before. The book provided me with a deeper understanding of the chemistry involved in my body’s basic functions.
For me, deeper understanding is important. I’ve never been one to jump off a bridge just because someone tells me to. I want to know why I should jump, how I should jump, how far it is to the water, how deep and swift the water is … and so on. As a child, I drove my mother nuts with asking “Why?”, and I drive Steve nuts with the same question now. The more I can answer why and how in trying new things or making life changes, the better they stick. I admit that sometimes needing all the answers before I do something leaves me stuck, too. Occasionally I do jump and trust that the net will appear.
So, armed with a little more information than I had before, I’m beginning the preparatory weeks before a 6-week program. The goal isn’t weight loss, per se, but given that I have 3 months to get into my wedding dress (I need to lose about 10 lbs), weight loss will be an added benefit. This week, I’m eliminating:
- All white flour, and gluten in particular
- All sugar except fruit, and high fructose corn syrup in particular, including wine, alcohol and sugar substitutes
- Dairy
- Caffeine
I don’t drink much caffeine, so that one’s easy. I’ll miss cheese and my occasional greek yogurt, but other than that I don’t eat dairy at all. The other two, well, this should be fun. Sugar, especially, is my addiction. I don’t eat much white flour–except on LaMarr’s Donut Sundays, which I will have to avoid. But sugar gets me through my afternoons.
I’ve eliminated gluten before, at the beginning of 2007 when I was having horrible issues with my digestion. I did feel better, less sluggish, more energetic not eating gluten. However, my GI issues did not clear up so I started eating it again. Turns out my GI issues–namely, my IBS– were caused by the Fucking Mirena, because once I had it removed, they cleared up about 80%. The other 20% can be attributed to hormones and diet.
Well, this new program should help with both of it.
I’m going back to five meals a day, a technique that’s always worked for me in terms of blood sugar stabilzation and weight loss. If my blood sugar is stable then I shouldn’t get the afternoon headache that comes from hypoglycemia–usually cured by a quick trip to the vending machine for a candy bar or a diet coke. Each of my meals contains protein.
I’m also going to evaluate the supplements I take, maybe add or change a few.
I know that I’ll have added the sugar back in after I’m done, or at least Splenda and Agave (my favorite sweetener, which is actually low on the glycemic list). But probably not LaMarr’s Donuts on Sunday mornings.
And, given that I have to drop 10 pounds by Oct. 3 to get into my dress, I have to up the exercise. I’ve been good about getting an hour of cardio 3 days a week (Zumba, Nia and salsa rehearsal), but I’ve been slacking on the weight lifting. I know from past experience that lifting is the only way I slim down. I can do cardio until I fall over from exhaustion and put on 2 pounds.
But first things first: Getting through the day without caffeine and sugar. I know I can do it. I might just be a bit whiney about it.
Days of Grace: 81-84/365
Posted by: | Comments- a four-day weekend
- with lots of time to myself
- sleeping … and sleeping some more … and taking naps
- while listening to the rain against the roof
- two very good massages
- epsom salts for post-massage soaks
- after a couple of months away from doing pushups, I can still knock out 40 in a workout (but on my knees, but 40 nonetheless)
- taking time to take care of myself
- new prescriptions that will allow me to step down off the Wellbutrin, which has been at the base of my anxiety, over the next 2 weeks
- the basement is clean and organized, thanks to a day of hard work between me and Steve
- the house is clean, thanks to another day of hard work between me and Steve
- the garden is prepped for annuals (thanks to another few hours of joint hard work)
- tons of rain, so the dirt will be easy to dig in
- Judi, my new therapist, who is already helping me make inroads using a technique called PSYCH-K
- Walking into my office today, forgetting that I left it spotless last Thursday. What a treat not to walk into a mess. I’ll have to keep it up somehow.
- Dinner with Lauren tonight
- A two-day extension of our open enrollment, otherwise I would be SOL on benefits in 2009-2010.
- A three-day break from the computer. I was becoming addicted.
- Bing cherries on sale at Sunflower for $1.69 a pound
- Reservations at a cute Santa Fe B&B in just 9 days, followed by 2 weeks of blissful vacation
