Archive for Personal Growth
King for the day
Posted by: | CommentsSteve does not like celebrating his birthday.
He told me this long ago, and I came to believe he does not like his birthday because he didn’t have many celebrations as a kid. So, I set about fixing it and changing his mind. I have made sure, for the past four birthdays we’ve been together, that he has had a great time. Each year has topped the previous year, with last year–his 40th–culminating in a trip to Napa. Hard to top that.
This year, I asked him to request March 11 and 12 as vacation days, and I started looking for a place for us to go within a few hours of Denver. Usually, I love trip planning–finding the perfect place to stay, searching for bargains, figuring out the right balance between scheduled activities and free time. This year the whole thing was a struggle. I was so frustrated I put out a Very Personal Ad here and got no responses. (Universe–trying to tell me something? Hmmm?) Steve’s boss owns a place in Summit County, and had offered it to us a no cost, so Steve said he’d ask if we could use it that weekend.
He didn’t. He didn’t even ask for the time off until this week. And when he told me he couldn’t have those days off next week, I freaked out, because I felt like he sabotaged the whole thing.
The energy in our house has been out of whack. Last weekend was fight central. Many shoes were hurled. The rain of shoes–some intentional–continued through Wednesday, culminating in much nastiness on my part and my husband evacuating the house for a couple of hours.
During the ugliness, he told me that he NEVER wanted another acknowledgment of his birthday. EVER. Not a card. Not a dinner. Not a present. Fine, I told him. And later, I cried. I was so frustrated and hurt.
Birthdays have always been important to me. Growing up, they were one of the few days of the year when my whole family, including grandparents, would come together. Birthdays meant feeling special and loved and it being OK to ask for what I wanted. I’ve always made a big deal about my birthday, taking the day off–last year, taking two weeks off. I planned elaborate dinner parties for my ex-husband’s birthday, some of my happiest memories with him. And Lauren’s birthdays, at least until the divorce after which her dad somehow took them over, were always a source of love and pride. I orchestrated huge celebrations for both of my parents’ 60th birthdays, ensuring that far-away friends and relatives attended.
In other words, birthdays allow me to express my love for someone in a special way. And today, it hit me that Steve’s rejection of his birthday and his sabotage of my plans for it this year feels like rejection of ME. Rejection of my love. It’s like I’m a child who’s made a special art blob for a parent and the parent threw it in the trash before my eyes.
And yet, I now understand he is rejecting acknowledgment and celebration of his birthday … not me. Huh.
Bloggers and coaches Havi Brooks and Hiro Boga talk about the concept of sovereignty–the quality of owning your own space, of being so safe being you that nothing can shake you, of not giving a damn what anyone thinks because you are king/queen of your own realm (quote/endquote). I’m working on getting to sovereignty. Today I realized that Steve is also allowed to work toward his own sovereignty … or not. When I do things like force unwanted birthday celebrations on him I am not allowing him to be who he is. I am letting my stuff try to run his stuff. And that doesn’t work for either of us.
That’s why he sabotaged my plans–from my point of view–or didn’t do what I wanted him to do–from his point of view. His birthday and how he celebrates it (or not) is his sovereign choice. And I should honor him perhaps by asking him what he wants to do (if anything) and respecting his wishes, even if it’s not what I want. Even if it feels wierd or uncomfortable. On that day especially, he should be king.
Oldie but Goodie: Why I’m here
Posted by: | CommentsWritten Feb. 4, 2008
I’ve come to believe that part of my life path is to release the habits of perfectionism, hyper-criticism, judgment, pettiness and control–especially of the world and people around me. That behavior is so “last lifetime.” As my friend Rob keeps telling me, it’s time for me to learn to go with the flow, to stop fighting to be right at all costs. I am fully able to admit when I’m wrong and apologize and make amends. I am also fully able to look at my behavior as it is happening and notice its effect on those around me. And I am fully able to figure out what is triggering the behavior if I have enough time and I’m not mired in fury–the coverlet for hurt.
I also know that the work I need to be doing–instead of trying to fix everything around me–is inside of me. I need to create some order inside of myself, trust that other people can take care of themselves and the world will carry on just fine without me hawking over every detail. Part of this is learning to be more present in the moment instead of worrying over (pre-controlling) the future or ruminating the past. First things first is developing some actual compassion for myself, give myself unconditional love and work toward a peaceful me instead of the harsh, critical, tumultuous inner life I now lead.
I find it interesting that this is exactly where my whacky therapist has been taking me for the past six months. He recommended a book, “The Wisdom of No Escape” by Pema Chodron. I haven’t gotten very far, because I keep re-reading the first page.
“There’s a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable … To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we’re committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.”
That last emphasis is mine. How much of my life has been spent being committed to comfort at any cost? How many situations and things and people have I tried (successfully and unsuccessfully) to control to avoid that least edge of pain? How many miles have I run to get away from that barrier or wall or fearful thing, only to find that my finger is still stuck in the proverbial dike and the thing is still there, I haven’t moved at all, and nothing has changed but wasted time like water under the bridge?
I like this Pema Chodron, who is a Buddhist nun. I have a meditation CD of hers I’m starting to use, and I know that learning to get still will help me. But her way of meditation is not close-your-eyes and block out everything but your breath, as I’ve been taught before. She teaches that you must be aware of your surroundings, and put your mind on an object (the breath), but keep your eyes open so you’re IN the moment, rather than escaping from it into the darkness of your subconscious. And she teaches that you notice only the exhalation, and especially the brief gap of letting go at the end–the moment just before you inhale. In that moment, you must trust that another breath is coming. You have no choice. It’s a lesson, that moment, about all of life.
I grew up with enough stuff. I rarely wanted for a thing–except for the stuff I really wanted. Those things: unconditional love and acceptance. So I learned that controlling situations and people got me some of that. But I believed–and still do–that I do not deserve to be provided for or taken care of. I don’t believe I’m good enough to have the things I want, that someone will ever just give those things to me, so I coerce.
I don’t need to change that behavior. There is nothing wrong with it, and it has served me well. What I can do is begin to be more patient and gentle with myself when I exhibit these behaviors, to be more peaceful with myself. To give myself the unconditional love and acceptance I’ve always craved.
Whack-a-mole and the People Pleasing Autobahn
Posted by: | Comments[[Hi to readers from thefluentself.com. Thanks for reading!]]
To say the past 8 days were hard is an understatement. I’ve just wrapped up one of the toughest weeks of my life. I don’t read my horoscope any more, but I’m sure it said something like gemini, your work life is going to be a giant ball of SUCK all week, so eat your Wheaties.
I think suck happens when your patterns are in rapid-fire mode. Sure enough, my patterns were storming like Snowpocalypse 2010. Let’s start at the end and make a loop, shall we?
Start with a Little Shiva Nata
Yesterday morning, I added legs and rotations to my Level 1 shiva nata practice. For those of you unfamiliar–which is probably most of you–this means taking something that feels complicated and amping up the complication factor by 10. I was beyond imperfect. I sucked in a good way. (because you’re not supposed to be good at this practice) As part of my brain puzzled over several wtf moments (how did the guy on the DVD wind up backwards?) another part of my brain stopped, then said bing!
LOOK, it said, at what happened this week. And then it started a movie reel complete with voice over:
- major shoe-throwing last Friday,where a very educated man (but not in my field) called my expertise into question and then proceeded to do my job for me and throw me under the bus in an email cc’ing a lot of people (I am WRONG! which means I am UNLOVABLE and BAD and NOT AS SMART AS I THINK I AM)
- Wednesday’s big set back (not about me but all about me! Rejection of who I am at a core level! And proof I shouldn’t hope!)
- News on Thursday that two people I respect (and ultimately report to) and I thought respected me don’t think I work very hard (LAZY! LAZY! and BAD! and withdrawal of love due to not meeting unexpressed expectations! hello really old core beliefs), which partially led to said setback
- Just for fun, throw in computer issues that caused lots of crashing and losing of work and calls to the help desk, which equals a general sense of helplessness and out-of-sorts-with-the-universe-ness and self-pity (See, nothing ever goes easy for me)
Then my brain asked: What if all of this is just a test? What if the only way you can know that you’ve whacked that mole of a pattern is if it pops up again and you a) notice it and b) react differently?
Huh.
The People Pleasing Autobahn
Last fall, Judi and I did some work on the core belief that other people’s opinions of me set my own self-esteem. I’ve spent most of my life believing other people’s opinions of me were truer and more valid (because they know better than me) than my own opinions of myself. That core belief has had me on the People Pleasing Autobahn (PPA) since I was a kid.
Patterns become patterns because they work for you. Core beliefs get rooted to your core because they are validated. The belief that I am only loved and accepted when I do-behave-believe what others want me to — what makes them happy — has been reinforced by more experiences than I could ever count.
We cleared the belief using PSYCH-K, and I thought I’d challenged it a few times … with my mom about Christmas, a couple of ways at work. Yesterday I realized that the events of the past week were the real tests: Who did I believe? Them? Or me? Whose opinion will set how I feel about myself?
And (drum roll, please) … can I love and accept myself when others withdraw their love and acceptance?
Beliefs Arrive in Gangs
Core beliefs are rarely singular. There’s a gang leader (aka PPA), and supporting members who do the tagging of signs and looting and drug selling and running of prostitution rings to keep the enterprise going, plus the Internal Defense Attorney Monsters (IDAMs) who keep their enterprises alive. Mine:
- People with more education always know better than me, and they ARE better than me because I have only a BA. From a city college. (ooh, the IDAMs love this one, always jumping up to my defense by saying BUT I got a really high SAT score and had a full ride to a very prestigious liberal arts college in Vermont but got scared and didn’t go … and Metro had the best J-school in the state at the time … and I did go to CSU for 3 years … and I graduated at the top of my class, magna cum laude. And I got into two top grad schools but didn’t go because I had a baby. And because my ex was mean and unsupportive. See? I’m just as smart and good and valuable!)
- Everything is personal, so I should take it really personally. And I did. Especially the part about not working very hard. Owie!
- And of course, don’t ask for the stuff I really want because it won’t happen. And if I dare ask, don’t wish and hope and dream about it because that just brings on big disappointments. In other words, plan for the worst (and don’t bother hoping for the best) because I don’t deserve to get everything I really want. Only part of what I want. Because getting everything I want is greedy and bad and selfish.
and also, especially after my tears and sadness and feelings of defeat and then (mortified blush) BLOGGING in the middle of it:
- My feelings are invalid and stupid and I have no right to express them, and
- I am only allowed to feel the “good” feelings, so I need to move through the “bad” feelings as quickly as possible. No MOPING!
Have I exited the People Pleasing Autobahn for good? Are these people’s opinions of me truer and more important than my own opinion of who I am and what I’m good at and why I do it and how hard I work? Is the Mole whacked?
The Same
I reacted in my usual pattern:
- First, Anger
- Then, frustration, sadness
- Figuring out how to quit. (Oh, there were spreadsheets.)
- Getting defensive. Taking it personally.
- Telling myself to stfu with all the whining already. To GET OVER IT. Silencing myself.
- Then figuring out how I could salvage my reputation: put in extra, very visible hours (email those upper management folks at 9pm from my work account! be the last one to leave at night!) (I’ll show them!)
- Planning a confrontation, complete with gnashing of teeth and more Spreadsheets of Truth and exit plans and lots of creative lawyering by the IDAMs.
- Taking it personally some more, and believing the opinions of others over mine. Hearing them in my head, shaming me.
- Feeling defeated, because I never win. Ever. I’m only good enough to receive a partial settlement.
- And the despair. Yes, the thought of fine, I’ll just kill myself then and you can see how much I did matter as you mourn my absence, did enter my head … that’s a pattern too.
Then, Thursday night, as I lay in bed on the verge of tears, I said to Steve: “Owie! Could you please reach into my chest and pull this hurt out? Because I hate it and it sucks.”
To which he said:
“You are not going to let these people change what you know about yourself.”
At which my hurt brain, spirit and feelings opened up their clenched fists and let in a little light of truth. (I also kissed him. My husband may be a man of few words compared to me, but the ones he speaks during these times are dead on. He rocks.)
The Different
Then yesterday morning, the bing! while completely twisting up my brain and body in shiva nata:
Lynn, meet your patterns. You can choose to react differently.
I feel better today, more clear-headed. Of course, it’s helpful that my boss M and I had a full-on strategy session about the big set back (which came to pass because of a serious lack of understanding about the sheer amount of work it will take to build and maintain a 500-page website … which no, you can’t just buy off the shelf or cut-and-paste, thank you), and we’re going to try to turn one of the Nos into a Yes.
There’s still a bruise in my chest from the “you’re lazy” message. That genuinely hurt, and you know what? It’s OK that it hurts and makes me feel sad. And the big set back still feels disappointing, because well, it is. I am not wallowing, but I am also not going to stuff those feelings.
I AM allowed to feel the bad feelings for however I need to feel them. I don’t need to fix them, or rush them. I can let them pass on their own time, gently. (All the while knowing, as you have reminded me in your comments, that there is probably a bigger YES around the corner–one that I don’t even know exists yet. Thank you all for your kindness and support.)
And I’m also not going to beat myself up for only pulling over in a rest stop on the People Pleasing Autobahn. I know for sure that big beliefs and patterns are shed layer by layer. That I’ve recognized all of this as a challenge to the changes I’ve made is a victory in itself.
Can I love and accept myself when others withdraw their love and acceptance?
It’s tricky, but deep down where my truth lives, the answer is yes … a yes that is growing louder by the minute.
(As I wrote that line, I felt a big, deep gash inside me start knitting itself up. It feels like layer after layer of zippers being zipped up from my pubic bone to my chin. Wow!)
The only way to know if you’ve broken a pattern or changed a core belief is to have the triggering situation appear, to notice it, and choose to react differently. That’s where I am, right now.
Hiding in plain sight
Posted by: | CommentsI hide behind the words on this page. Here, I can express myself and even expose myself with little ramification.
Here, I can take risks that aren’t too risky, because I hide in half-anonymity and in the guise of perfection. I write then edit. And edit. And rearrange, delete, rewrite, add headings. I make sure the words and phrases and sentences and metaphors are perfect before I hit publish. Sometimes, I go back and edit some more. My written posts are polished mirrors.
Something feels off. I think you can feel it. No one is commenting. I’m stuck. There are things I want to say but I just don’t feel like writing them down.I want to hear the ideas out loud.
Maybe I should just say what I want to say, out loud, the words vibrating my vocal cords, rolling my tongue.
As I’ve been playing with my work Flip video camera, I’ve been making video blogs but not posting them … yet. Mostly, I’m capturing my post-therapy epiphanies. But today, I also recorded a video Days of Grace.
Most people do not love hearing their recorded voice. I am loving hearing mine. It feels powerful to actually SPEAK my truth instead of just writing it down. It feels brave. It feels risky because it’s not perfect. I can edit, and I probably will edit for length. But I’m tempted to leave in the verbal bobbles, the mis-speaks. They are authentic, and real, and imperfect.
One of these days I’ll post one, and you will finally see who I really am–the little double chin I try to hide, the too-much-blinking and eye rolling at the camera, the smear of mascara under one eye.
Maybe my video blogs will suck. Maybe they will send my little reader base scattering like petals on the wind. Or maybe you’ll like them. In my mind, they feel right. And loud. And me.
Ask. Receive. Thank. Repeat … or not.
Posted by: | Comments“Lynn, you need to learn how to let go and go with the flow. Stop trying to control everything. Or anything.”
My friend Rob told me this one night as I bawled to him over the phone in 2005. He was the first person to help me understand the bigger concept of flow. I know what flow feels like, because that’s where I go when I write. Time flies. I feel incredibly connected to this wellspring of story and character and, well, me. And god. I don’t try to control the story. Instead, I let it flow out of me, like a river.
But in the rest of my life, it’s all about control. If flow is a river, then CHAOS is the north bank and RIGIDITY is the south bank. (This stuff comes from a worksheet Judi gave me. I’ll find attribution.) I am an expert at building bridges across the river from one bank to the other. These bridges are called flexible order. I like the bridges. They feel safe. And I like the banks, because I am also an expert at bringing order to chaos and moving rigidity into flexibility (often by force!). Occasionally, when dancing and writing and doing other creative tasks, I wander down to the river and float in it for a while. However …
The idea of living in the river of flow, all the time, is terrifying to me. And this realization is a new one.
I’ve been trying an experiment: I’ve been doing my flailing shiva nata yoga before my therapy sessions for the past 2 weeks. This week, the result was like a colon cleanse: Just when I thought I’d figured out what the block was, it moved and revealed a bigger, deeper block until we ran out of time.
We started doing PSYCH-K on this belief statement:
My life works like the parking prayer.
What? You don’t know the parking prayer? (Holy Mary, full of grace, help me find a parking place.) Yes, the prayer invokes Mary, mother of Jesus. However it works for Jews and Hindus and even agnostics I know. I use the parking prayer all the time, usually right as I’m pulling into a parking lot. And every single time, I find a space. Usually up front, or at a meter with time still on it. Somehow, I have utter faith that this prayer works. And every time it does I say thank you to the power behind it.
I want my life to work like that: Ask. Receive. Thank. Repeat.
Or so I say. Because when we worked on the belief, I needed a new direction (sit with ankles and wrists crossed until I feel the block move). But the block didn’t move, and here’s what came up.
I am a storyteller. Without conflict and denouement there is no story. So, if there is no conflict in my life to resolve, and no grand (or small) resolution, then I do not exist. Nor do I have a reason to exist.
The parking prayer removes all blocks for me. If my life works like the parking prayer, then I have no reason for being.
For the past several days, I’ve been doing shiva nata on this premise, and I’ve dredged up good stuff. Stuff that I know drives me along and makes me miserable, because the stuff is HARD and there are easier ways to live.
I have recently during my post-shiva nata shavasana meditations (combined with this awesome drumming/shamanistic journey/meditation CD) been introduced to my spirit guide, who happens to be a human named D. D is the guy who showed me all of this in a vision. He’s pretty literal, D is. He led me to the middle of a bridge that crosses a violent river. And here’s what he showed me:
I love building bridges, but don’t like hanging out on them.
When I build the bridges from bank to bank, I feel safe and balanced, but stagnant. I am watching all of the action to either side (chaos, rigidity) and under me (flow) but not participating. When I’m on either shore, I move forward by solving problems. Being in chaos or rigidity means I am growing by being victimized then overcoming.
I like things to be hard, because then I get to be the victim and the hero both. And I get to be seen.
I have always been rewarded for being the victim and for overcoming hardship. All of the stories I tell in my life, including on this blog, are about me overcoming hardship, or struggling. Because when I get empathy for any reason, that feels great! Empathy means (to quote Avatar) that I am SEEN. And I have felt invisible for most of my life, especially in childhood and in my marriage. I’ve worked SO HARD to be seen, and to be validated as being worthy to breathe the air on this Earth. Flow is supposed to be easy. Or at least easier. Nothing to overcome. Which means I’m invisible again if I go with it.
Also, easy = evil.
Only hard work is rewarded, and only those who really struggle are rewarded with love and attention and being seen as good. The whole premise of living in flow means releasing the need to struggle as well as the struggle itself, right? Letting go and letting god (or D) be my navigator means I am weak and lazy and bad.
Flow=god, which means maybe I’m just not good enough to live in it.
If flow=god, then to really live in flow I have to really believe in god. And by god, I mean something greater than all of us that I do not have to prove myself worthy of knowing, or worthy of having it love me. What if god doesn’t believe in me, no matter how much I believe in it? What if I missed the boat because I didn’t meet god energy-to-energy until I was 35? What if I’m not good enough for god to love?
I can’t control flow, so therefore it is dangerous. And fucking scary.
When I picture the river of flow, I picture a fast-moving body of water, one which I cannot control. I imagine that I am immersed in the river and that I cannot see what is coming–rapids, waterfalls, slow, deep water with hidden obstacles that will catch and drown me. Also called fucking scary. I only feel safe in flow when I’m creating artistically, or when I’m letting my spirit speak. Therefore, I only want to be in flow when it feels safe.
Did I mention that I hate water?
I like showers, but not baths. I prefer saunas to whirlpools and only get into swimming pools if begged by Lauren. I love being next to the ocean but hate getting into the ocean, unless I’m snorkeling, and even that takes some deep breathing. Perhaps in a previous life I was a cat, or I drowned. So if the only metaphor I know for flow is a river–a big wet scary mass of churning water–why would I want to live in it?
Which leaves me here.
I could do more work on feeling safe while relinquishing control to that something greater that is god.
I could build myself a raft and let D be the skipper. And also do work on releasing the belief that if I don’t do the HARD myself it won’t be meaningful and I won’t be worthy of love. I trust D to keep me safe.
I could come up with a non-water-related metaphor for flow that feels less (ironically) chaotic and out of control.
I could do some work on the idea that I don’t have to be in the story to tell the story. I can be a witness to the chaos and rigidity and, as such, report on what I see vs what I experience.
Busting Patterns
Posted by: | CommentsUsually this time of year, I feel very very stuck. This is the time of year I post the most about depression. But this year, not so much. Interesting …
I’ve been doing all of this core-belief-busting work with Judi through PSYCH-K, and then I’ve started doing this weird flailing yoga called shiva nata, and together they are bringing the moments of BING I talked about on January 28.
These tools are allowing me to get clear on the unhelpful patterns in my life. Instead of feeling trapped in them like a blind woman trapped in a big scary maze, I can envision the exits–multiple points of egress from the patterns. And instead of feeling the patterns–huge bursts of elation or huge bursts of panic/terror/anger/rage/depression–I’m actually starting to see the patterns … and from a more clinical, detached perspective.
Such as: I’ve been making my ex pay by making him literally pay. And in order to make him pay, I have made sure that I don’t make more money than he does.
This action stems from a core belief that if I don’t compete with my ex, I lose my power with him. The competition is old, old news. Maybe stemming back centuries (because I believe in past lives, yes I do). And I’m ready to let go of this belief.
Enter Shiva Nata
When I was on the pom squad in high school, we often used complicated arm combinations in our dances. Imagine me in a cheerleading skirt, but instead of waving pom pons, I’m spiraling my arms through a series of positions reminiscent of tae kwon do, tai chi and walking like an Egyptian. Now, erase all sense of grace and beauty from my movements and put me in yoga pants and a Tshirt with bedhead and mascara smeared under my eyes … and you have my current, very beginning, very imperfect shiva nata practice.
And now, imagine me in the shower (ooh, baby) with my eyes closed post-shivanauting, and join me as I have a bunch of brain zapping new connections that make me say aha!
On Thursday I did some shiva nata on competing with my ex. I had a tiny bing but couldn’t really articulate what it was. It was more of a shift, which, by the way, sounds like sandpaper sliding across a table.
And then, PSYCH-K
I’ve been doing PSYCH-K with Judi since last May when I almost lost my mind and my life because of stupid Wellbutrin mania. In the past nine months, we’ve cleared out a lot of junk from my subconscious … enough that I could see this pattern with my ex clear as day. And even almost laugh about it, but not quite.
I don’t think I’ve described the process before. The idea is that our patterns are driven by core beliefs that live in our deep subconscious, and without specific energy work, we cannot move these beliefs. These deep beliefs are what cause most affirmation work either to fail or to fail to stick. PSYCH-K is a little out there, but if you’re like me and embrace the Woo Woo, you might find the process interesting.
In my sessions, we either work on little things that are hanging me up (even when they’re big, such as when I banished my mother from my head) or big things that are either really hanging me up or are affecting broad swaths of my life. These big things take a “core belief balance.”
Statement pairs: I can/I can’t
Everything PSYCH-K starts with a positive affirmation. On Thursday, Judi and I did some core belief busting with a core balance on “I release all old, current and future competition with my ex.” When we do the core balance, we use muscle testing to see if I believe or don’t believe any of 13 statement pairs in terms of the core pattern. One statement is positive (I can) the other is negative (I can’t). I might be strong on both, weak on both, have a reversal (strong on the no and weak on the yes) or normal.
We go through the 13 statement pairs, and then she asks my highest self to indicate–again through muscle testing–which statement pair is the highest priority to work on. Sometimes, we can clear this statement with a series of actions and the rest of the reversals, double strongs and double weaks fix themselves. Sometimes we have to clear a bunch of statements.
Then comes the energy work
Once we have the statement selected, Judi tests a series of energy points down my body, asking my highest self to tell her where this belief is blocked energetically. Almost always I am blocked around my stomach: 2nd and 3rd chakras, center of personal power.
We do some energy work to move the block, check the statements again to make sure they’re normal, then ask if we’re done. When all the statement pairs are aligned, we integrate the beliefs into my physical and internal bodies, looking for any weaknesses and clearing them up with more energy work.
A core balance can take an hour or more. After they’re done, I usually feel silly, because there’s a guardian–I think it’s a coyote–that tells me fixing big deep problems that have plagued me for a lifetime does not happen with a little hovering of fingers over my belly button and repeating of affirmations.
Until it does.
This week’s block
In working on the issue of releasing all old, current and future competition with my ex, the screwed up statement pair was:
- “I forgive myself and others for all the wrongs done to me, and I take responsibility for my own life.” (weak)
- “I blame myself and others for my difficulties.” (strong)
The blocked belief point was right below my belly button. Its name is “letting go.” Coincidence? HA!
My belief point affirmation was “I joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future.” I struggle with all concepts in this statement, because I believe that holding onto the past and expecting the worst protects me from pain. And, there is no joy in releasing the past. But I do the work. Then, I let the magic happen.
When everything is aligned and we retest the original affirmation and my muscle test reads strong, Judi gives me a high five. I roll my eyes because I have a hard time believing that I can destuckify myself without a lot of hard work because I am complicated and everything I do is harder than it is for other people. (We haven’t had a lot of luck clearing that one out, but we’re working on it.)
Frankly, I was surprised that this week’s clearing was so easy … and I’m suspicious that the shiva nata in the morning was an oil can to the stuck parts, making them easy to jar loose. I’ll do more this week and make an official determination.
It’s about the noticing
I’ve never had a huge, life-changing shift after either shiva nata or PSYCH-K. Instead of a sandpaper shift, the belief feels like it slips away into the night. I keep my eyes and ears open for changes, and they come in little bits of ZAP! and BING! across my brain. The next situation that arises that would usually become complicated or harder because of the core beliefs usually feel smoother. I encounter them with more calm and distance. I notice what’s going on both inside of me and outside of me, which is downright impossible to do if a belief is in full action. When I find myself not reacting, I know that particular pattern is busted.
Just in time to move onto busting the next one. This is lifetime work, people.
So tell me …
- What does it feel like when your patterns are driving you?
- How do you bust them?
