Archive for therapy
On Crones and Monster Museums and Stews of Healing
Posted by: | CommentsToday, I did a PSYCH-K core on “body” with Judi, using the statement “My body’s mechanical, chemical and energetic systems function harmoniously and create optimal health.” I’ve been wanting to do it for a while now, especially given the scary stuff going on with my uterus of late. Cores tend to move me forward with great leaps. At the same time they can be draining.
Refresher about my process
As I’ve mentioned before, PSYCH-K works with the conscious and subconscious mind to initiate change in deeply held beliefs. A “core” is an intensive practice, during which we explore one central question by asking multiple question pairs and testing for “yes/no” answers using muscle testing. The positive statement, such as I love myself, should test strong, and the negative statement, such as I hate myself, should test weak if the energy around that pair is in balance. Any pair that gets a “reversal”–the positive is weak and the negative is strong–gets first dibs on clearing using Reiki-like energy work paired with affirmations.
During the energy work, I find myself going into a meditative state. Sometimes I look for the physical place where energy is stuck and direct my breath there, using various meditation techniques to loosen up the knot, if you will. Since I’ve been following Havi Brooks’ blog, thefluentself.com, I’ve incorporated a couple of other techniques: Talking with my monsters, and redefining words and ideas. For example, when I go into my meditation, I immediately ask for any Monsters to speak now or forever hold their peace.
Usually, Monsters are most afraid of being fired, when all they’re trying to do is protect me. So we talk about redefining their job descriptions so that their protecting me doesn’t make me get stuck in the hard and scary places. Our conversations usually involve redefining words– like forgiveness, which now means (to me and my monsters) I now cut all ties to feeling any pain about this injury that was done to me, and I take back all the energy to use to feel love instead.
The Crone
Valerie from The Princess Bride. Photo Credit: theequinest.com
Today, I had a reversal on a statement pair related to the core statement about “I am open to change/I want my life to stay the same.” Makes sense: I am working hard to change/fix what ails my physical body, yet being sick or injured has definitely benefited me in the past. When I was a kid, my mom gave me the most love and affection when I was sick–or “sick.” My husband came back to my marriage when I got cancer. Having a nasty period got me out of stuff I didn’t want to do.
The energy point needing some love is located in the center of my ribcage, just below my heart. The point is called “contentment” and the statement pairs are “I am content and blessed” and something that’s the opposite. As I said “I am content and blessed with my life” three times out loud, then three times with my eyes closed, I found myself stuck.
No monsters wanted to come forward. My lizard brain started thinking about work. I couldn’t find the darkness between my eyes that leads me deeper into myself. And then, I heard the screaming.
“Cursed! You’re not blessed! You’re cursed! Cursed I say!”
I opened my minds eye, and there stood Valerie wife of Magic Max from The Princess Bride. She continued to scream at me, and I knew she was right. Deep down in my subconscious I believed that my body was cursed. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.
“This isn’t going to move,” I told Judi. “I need to do the hemisphere thing because the Crone is screaming at me that I’m cursed.”
Judi, who is always intrigued by my process, was all for it. She asked me what conversation I need to have with the Crone.
“I need her help in releasing me from the curse. I can’t do it myself.”
I sat up on the black massage table and came to standing with my arms stretched to the sides. I imagined one hemisphere of my brain knew that I had lifted the curse and the other needed that knowledge. I closed my eyes and waited, breathing deeply, for my hands to come together. When they did, I heard the Crone’s voice: “Now, you need to find me in the world and finish up this work.” I made a note to Google “crone” and “denver” when I got home.
When I got back on the table, the point cleared.
Monster and the Museum
Like this, but full of files and scans and medical stuff, and pulled by a big hairy monster. Photo credit: radio-flyer-classic-wagon.blogspot.com
The next stuck point is commonly stuck with me. It’s called “Letting Go” and it’s a set of points on either side of my belly button. The pair is “I joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future,” and “I hold on for dear life to all that I no longer need.” I got a double-strong on this statement.
Again, this makes sense. I feel a sense of strange power reading my medical history. I like telling the stories of what I’ve overcome because they make me feel important and like I’ve accomplished something remarkable in my otherwise unremarkable life.
During the energy work/meditation, a monster piped right up. Monsters are those parts of my subconscious whose job it is to protect me, but who wind up doing so by scaring the shit out of me.
Monster (pulling a Red Flyer wagon piled high with stuff): But if we let go of this stuff, we won’t be safe! And we won’t have any stories to tell! And we’ll be unremarkable!
Me (rifling through the pile of medical records and photos of my cancer scar and MRIs and other stuff): But this stuff isn’t who I am now. This stuff is old stuff. I don’t need it any more. We can have new adventures and find new stories to tell. Good stories.
Monster: But how can we watch for more bad stuff that can happen if we throw this stuff away? How can we be prepared?
Me: Ah, I see, you want me to hold onto all this past knowledge so I can watch for stuff so I can keep on top of my health. That makes sense. But what if I didn’t have to BE this stuff anymore. What if I could let it be part of the me who was instead of the me I am right now?
Monster: Well ….
Me: How about this? We can create a Museum of Lynn’s Health and you can be the curator. We can put all this stuff into display cases, and you can invite me in for new shows when we’ve added stuff, and I can come poke around when I’m curious. That way, the stuff is still here, but it’s not attached to the me I am right now. And, if you want, you can put out an occasional newsletter to remind me of stuff that happened to the me of the past, and I might share those stories when they are appropriate.
Monster: I love it! (he rushes off, the wagon clanging behind him). I’ll send you an invitation for the Grand Opening!
When Judi tested the point it was clear. Then we tested the initial statement pair about change and it was realigned. Then we tested all the other statements that had been double-strong to find they were properly aligned. I had expected this to be a complicated core. It wasn’t.
We did have to give a little love to the second reversed pair statement, which I don’t remember exactly except that the energy point needing attention was the usual: Bonding. The statement pair for that is “I forgive myself and others for all the wrongs done to me and I take charge of my own life,” and “I blame myself and others for my life’s difficulties.” This statement pair comes up a lot. Every freaking time.
But OK, I get it. Slowly but surely we’ll work on forgiveness. No monsters piped up, so I sent healing pink light swirling throughout my torso and into that point until I felt the tightness there unraveling. Then all was well.
Here’s the thing.
I don’t believe that I can magically wish or meditate or positive-think illness away without intervention on the physical side of things. But I do believe that the physical illnesses our bodies manifest are the result of energy blocks and negative beliefs that have to have a place to manifest in this physical world we live in. I mean, something has to tell the DNA to break to cause cancer. That’s why I combine PSYCH-K with Shamanic Journeying and Shiva Nata and Western medicine and homeopathy and herbs and acupuncture and diet and exercise. It’s a stew of healing therapies.
We are not just carbon atoms. We are energetic, emotional and spirit systems too, all of which are integrated to make us into the glorious manifestations we are on this earth. Therefore, in order to truly heal our physical bodies, we must heal all of our bodies.
PSYCH-K, Conversations with Monsters & believing in magic
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Croc Girl with Kite, from MrLomo on Flickr
On August 5, 1984, I suffered an emotional and psychological trauma. I was 15 years old, not quite a sophomore in high school. The past 26 years have been driven by ramifications of that moment, when I could not speak out to say no, and I had the experience of being raped. It was just one of a multitude of moments in this life and past lives that I have been punished for as a consequence of speaking out or not speaking out.
A few weeks ago, I was thinking about that moment as I began writing an essay for my class about a lie–I have told so many lies about that day in August that I could never account for all of them, and my essay is about the big ones I told myself and others, and the lies that were told about me. I closed my eyes and got into a meditative state, then I put myself back in the bedroom where I had the experience of being raped. And I realized that I experienced it by looking down at the scene from the ceiling.
I realized that I had a separation of my higher consciousness and my body at that moment, that my soul essence became untethered and began a quarter-century-long, kite-like existence hovering over me. It struck me as I was writing, as I re-experienced that moment, that so much of the pain and suffering (emotional, physical, spiritual) has been a result of this separation, and that I have subconsciously been trying to reel it back in ever since.
I also realized that I finally have the tools to re-integrate my soul essence with my body, once and for all.
On Wednesday, I was supposed to have an appointment with Judi. I was anxious to tell her about my realization (talk about a moment of BING!) and to do PSYCH-K work on it. When I arrived at her office, she wasn’t there. As I waited, I scribbled down statements I wanted to work on. Turns out she was sick, and I missed her message canceling my appointment. By the time we rescheduled on Friday afternoon, I’d taken those harried scribblings and refined them into six statements that I wanted to integrate into my subconscious and core beliefs about myself and my life.
(When I say I don’t believe in coincidence, this is what I mean: I needed focused time to figure out the statements. Waiting for her on Wednesday gave me the time I needed to get started.)
At my last session, Judi told me she enjoys working with me because I do the work, both in her office and outside of it, and on Friday, she told me, “You have been working so hard on all of this,” and “Thank you for allowing me to be your guide on this journey.”
I feel silly.
When I do PSYCH-K, I often feel silly. I mean, I’m a rational, intelligent woman, and this stuff feels like a magic trick. Like I’m somehow being taken, or fooling myself. Then I notice things are different, sometimes in big ways, sometimes in little ways, like making a different choice when faced with a familiar situation. Some part of me does not want me to believe in magic … does not want me to have faith.
Sometimes, I feel a substantial shift immediately, but most of the time there is no off/on switch. I have to pay attention to how my attitudes and impressions and feelings change in the days and weeks following a release of old beliefs via PSYCH-K integration of new beliefs.
Interestingly to me, this “out there” practice has caused me to find faith, not in a god outside of me but in the god-energy that lives inside me–even if it has only been attached by a steel cable to my heart and drifted above me for the past 26 years.
With all of this going through my mind, I handed Judi the refined, typed list of six statements about 10 minutes into my session on Friday and we got to work. What happened?
PSYCH-K & Conversations with Monsters
We did the usual kick-off work, booting up my system for integrating new beliefs using the PSYCH-K techniques. Then we got to work on the statements.
Statement 1: I forgive DM for all the wrongful acts he knowingly and unknowingly committed against me.
Muscle testing gave a “no” response to the statement, and indicated I needed to do cross-crawls looking up to the left to integrate it. (Cross-crawls are lifting one knee and touching it with the opposite hand until you feel something “shift.”) The work of writing the essay, of coming to understand that two people could experience the same situation from different points of view, paid off by quickly sealing in this new belief.
Statement 2: I set myself free from all past, present and future suffering caused by DM’s wrongful acts against me.
Boo & Sully from Monsters Inc. Photo Credit: fanpop.com
I had the feeling this would be tougher, and that it might require conversations with Monsters–those inner “guides” that keep me “safe” by beating the shit out of me, keeping me afraid, etc. And I was right. Moving this statement required “new direction”: meditating on the statement while sitting with my ankles and wrists crossed in a prescribed fashion. Usually, I feel where the statement resides in my body by looking for a tight spot. I did a body scan and couldn’t find anything, so I focused my inner vision on the dark center of my brain, where I “look” during meditation. That’s when I found all sorts of thoughts crossing my mind–”No, think about this! Ooh, work, you’re missing work to be here. Ooh, feel guilty! There you go. And money, this is costing you money. Money is tight right now …”
Me: OK Monster of Distracting Me From the Hard Stuff (MoD), come out, come out wherever you are.
MoD: (from the dark shadows) You need the suffering. The suffering keeps you real. You should not let it go because if you do no one will like you. People like you because you are real.
Me: Oh, sweetie (channeling Havi Brooks here), I know you are just trying to keep me safe. But this suffering for 26 years is done. I need to let it go. It hurts me. A lot. And it keeps me from achieving the things I really want. And it keeps me believing that speaking out and not speaking out are equally dangerous. Please show me where all of this lives.
MoD: (shows me a picture of me, in a cartoon jungle, bound up by a rope net like the ones Coyote would try to catch Roadrunner with and a thick rope wrapped multiple times around my chest. The MoD held one end of the rope, and the other was tied to a stake in the ground.)
Me: OK, so let’s get this thing off of me.
MoD: No. If I let you be free, you are going to get hurt or worse.
Me: I will be OK. I will be safe, because you can still be here waving your arms to help me remember to think before I speak up. But you holding me like this also makes me try to bust free. You know all of those violent verbal outbursts? Those are me struggling against this net. Those aren’t safe, are they?
MoD: So you’re not firing me? (cuts the thick rope with his big scary claw. He is tall and blue and furry with fierce teeth but kind eyes. He pulls the net up over my head and drapes it around my shoulders like a cape.)
Me: No, I’m not firing you. Thank you. I can take it from here. (I shake my shoulders and feel the net drop heavily behind me into the jungle brush. I come back to the room, open my eyes, “save” my work.)
Judi and I test the statement and it is now rock solid.
Statement 3: I forgive myself for all the wrongs I knowingly and unknowingly committed against myself and others because of my not speaking up.
We test the statement and it is strong. I am surprised. I thought making that statement true in my subconscious would take some work.
Statement 4: I set myself free from all past, present and future punishment and karmic contracts around this and all other times I have been silent.
We test the statement and again, it’s strong. And again, I’m surprised. But apparently the Monster that was making this statement untrue when I wrote it had been released from its duties.
Put Edwina … back in bowl!
I needed to get my soul essence back into my body. I knew this could be done using PSYCH-K and some other work. As I’ve thought about this over the past few weeks, the scene from the 1984 movie “All of Me” where Steve Martin tries to get the guru to take Lily Tomlin character’s soul out of his body and put it into a bowl keeps coming back to me. “Put Edwina … Back in Bowl!”
If my body is the bowl, that’s where I want my soul essence.
Statement 5: (I forget the exact wording here, but the gist of it was to allow my soul essence to be reintegrated with my body and allow it to be my guide from this point forward in my life)
I needed “new direction” on this one too, and I had the feeling I’d be talking to more monsters. Was I right…
Like this, but driven by a glowing pink-gold orb and filled with me & monsters. And maybe not tilting, because that would set the monsters off.
Me: OK, let’s reel her back in! (For some reason, my “soul essence” is a girl, and I visualized her as a huge kite flying above me on a steel cable)
Monster Gallery: (many voices) Oh, no, don’t do that! She’s huge! She’ll crowd us out! She’ll be bossy and we won’t get a say! We’ll get fired!
Me: Listen Monsters–all of you–She may look big up there, but the closer she gets, the tinier she gets. (I pull in the cable) See? she just looks big when she’s way out there, because she has to cover all of us. Inside, she’ll be tiny and bright and powerful. She’ll be the size of an M&M, and there will be plenty of room for everyone. I promise. (My soul essence gets smaller and brighter, a glowing golden pink orb, as it gets closer to me. I pull her in, and she snuggles into a spot just above my heart.)
Monsters: But she won’t stay! She never does! She gives you a wake up call, like big car accidents and cancer and getting poisoned with e.coli and other things, and you pay attention to her for a minute or two and do spiritual work and then she goes back out there. And then you’re sad and get lost again and do things to fill up that space where she’s supposed to live that just hurt you and hurt your body. So don’t bother! Everything and everyone always leave you!
Me: Oh, Hi Abandonment Monster. I hear you, and yes, I can see why you’d say that. I have felt a lot of abandonment in my life. But she did not abandon me. She’s been up there the whole time, trying t guide me from afar. I want her close, inside me, so I can hear her better. I will not let her go this time. She’s in there for good because I’m finally recognizing her for what she is: my guide, and my truth, and my pure God essence.
Monsters: (chorus) But she’ll be in charge! And we’ll be fired!
Me: (I picture a big yellow school bus, and my soul essence is the driver, and I’m sitting in the seat behind the driver so I can make choices based on her suggestions for directions, and all the Monsters are there in the back of the bus acting like unruly school children). See, she can be the bus driver, and you can come along. And if you don’t like where we’re going, you can speak up, and I’ll take your suggestion into consideration. But she’s our GPS now.
Monsters: (chorus of groans) What? She gets to be the GPS now? But we’re the GPS!
Me: Yeah, and look where we are: Stuck on a long, looping road of habits and patterns that wind up hurting me. I’m sorry Monsters, but you suck at giving directions. You try to use your GPS to keep me out of dark, scary towns and off of lonely, shadowy roads, but that’s where we wind up. Let’s see if her GPS takes me to places where I am safe.
Monsters: Hey, we got you here, didn’t we? And here is where you’re doing this important work, and where you’re healing all of this really old stuff. So we’re good for something, right?
Me: (I walk through the bus and hug all of my monsters and pet them and say thank you. And they relax and smile. They aren’t so terrible when they smile.)
I am trying not to laugh as I “save” my work and describe the conversation with the cast of Sesame Street and Monsters, Inc. on a big yellow school bus.
Statement 6: I celebrate the reunion of my body and my soul essence, and I set free all past, present and future attachments and karmic contracts with “being” my body.
I have identified with “being” my body — versus “having” a body (see Rule 1 on the top right of my blog) — and I have suffered so much because of it. I am ready to let go of my attachments. But to do so, I needed a VAK.
A VAK is essentially a description of what “this” looks, sounds, feels like for my subconscious. Judi walked me through the steps, and I described what my life would be like if I had a body instead of was a body. Then she asked me for the “feeling” experience, which I answered “Freedom.” Place it lives? In my upper body. Color? Pink-gold. Shape? A bubble. Texture? Sticky. Temperature? Warm.
She had me visualize this pink-gold, sticky warm bubble filling my upper body with a sense of freedom (I added the words safety and love), then dissolving in to billions of microbubbles that filled every atom of my being. I experienced a sensation of effervescence through my body. Then she had me visualize an enormous bubble filling up the psychic space around my body, protecting me. And then I opened my eyes.
When we tested the statement, it was rock solid.
So, what’s next?
Now, I’m watching to see what happens next. I believe that this session, above all others, will change my life’s trajectory. That’s scary, because change can mean both gaining something new and losing something that does not serve me. There are things I am afraid to lose, even though they may be holding me in the places the Monsters with their bad GPS have directed me to.
At the same time, I am excited–REALLY excited–to see where my life goes now. And, I have decided to believe in magic.
Busting Patterns
Posted by: | CommentsUsually this time of year, I feel very very stuck. This is the time of year I post the most about depression. But this year, not so much. Interesting …
I’ve been doing all of this core-belief-busting work with Judi through PSYCH-K, and then I’ve started doing this weird flailing yoga called shiva nata, and together they are bringing the moments of BING I talked about on January 28.
These tools are allowing me to get clear on the unhelpful patterns in my life. Instead of feeling trapped in them like a blind woman trapped in a big scary maze, I can envision the exits–multiple points of egress from the patterns. And instead of feeling the patterns–huge bursts of elation or huge bursts of panic/terror/anger/rage/depression–I’m actually starting to see the patterns … and from a more clinical, detached perspective.
Such as: I’ve been making my ex pay by making him literally pay. And in order to make him pay, I have made sure that I don’t make more money than he does.
This action stems from a core belief that if I don’t compete with my ex, I lose my power with him. The competition is old, old news. Maybe stemming back centuries (because I believe in past lives, yes I do). And I’m ready to let go of this belief.
Enter Shiva Nata
When I was on the pom squad in high school, we often used complicated arm combinations in our dances. Imagine me in a cheerleading skirt, but instead of waving pom pons, I’m spiraling my arms through a series of positions reminiscent of tae kwon do, tai chi and walking like an Egyptian. Now, erase all sense of grace and beauty from my movements and put me in yoga pants and a Tshirt with bedhead and mascara smeared under my eyes … and you have my current, very beginning, very imperfect shiva nata practice.
And now, imagine me in the shower (ooh, baby) with my eyes closed post-shivanauting, and join me as I have a bunch of brain zapping new connections that make me say aha!
On Thursday I did some shiva nata on competing with my ex. I had a tiny bing but couldn’t really articulate what it was. It was more of a shift, which, by the way, sounds like sandpaper sliding across a table.
And then, PSYCH-K
I’ve been doing PSYCH-K with Judi since last May when I almost lost my mind and my life because of stupid Wellbutrin mania. In the past nine months, we’ve cleared out a lot of junk from my subconscious … enough that I could see this pattern with my ex clear as day. And even almost laugh about it, but not quite.
I don’t think I’ve described the process before. The idea is that our patterns are driven by core beliefs that live in our deep subconscious, and without specific energy work, we cannot move these beliefs. These deep beliefs are what cause most affirmation work either to fail or to fail to stick. PSYCH-K is a little out there, but if you’re like me and embrace the Woo Woo, you might find the process interesting.
In my sessions, we either work on little things that are hanging me up (even when they’re big, such as when I banished my mother from my head) or big things that are either really hanging me up or are affecting broad swaths of my life. These big things take a “core belief balance.”
Statement pairs: I can/I can’t
Everything PSYCH-K starts with a positive affirmation. On Thursday, Judi and I did some core belief busting with a core balance on “I release all old, current and future competition with my ex.” When we do the core balance, we use muscle testing to see if I believe or don’t believe any of 13 statement pairs in terms of the core pattern. One statement is positive (I can) the other is negative (I can’t). I might be strong on both, weak on both, have a reversal (strong on the no and weak on the yes) or normal.
We go through the 13 statement pairs, and then she asks my highest self to indicate–again through muscle testing–which statement pair is the highest priority to work on. Sometimes, we can clear this statement with a series of actions and the rest of the reversals, double strongs and double weaks fix themselves. Sometimes we have to clear a bunch of statements.
Then comes the energy work
Once we have the statement selected, Judi tests a series of energy points down my body, asking my highest self to tell her where this belief is blocked energetically. Almost always I am blocked around my stomach: 2nd and 3rd chakras, center of personal power.
We do some energy work to move the block, check the statements again to make sure they’re normal, then ask if we’re done. When all the statement pairs are aligned, we integrate the beliefs into my physical and internal bodies, looking for any weaknesses and clearing them up with more energy work.
A core balance can take an hour or more. After they’re done, I usually feel silly, because there’s a guardian–I think it’s a coyote–that tells me fixing big deep problems that have plagued me for a lifetime does not happen with a little hovering of fingers over my belly button and repeating of affirmations.
Until it does.
This week’s block
In working on the issue of releasing all old, current and future competition with my ex, the screwed up statement pair was:
- “I forgive myself and others for all the wrongs done to me, and I take responsibility for my own life.” (weak)
- “I blame myself and others for my difficulties.” (strong)
The blocked belief point was right below my belly button. Its name is “letting go.” Coincidence? HA!
My belief point affirmation was “I joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future.” I struggle with all concepts in this statement, because I believe that holding onto the past and expecting the worst protects me from pain. And, there is no joy in releasing the past. But I do the work. Then, I let the magic happen.
When everything is aligned and we retest the original affirmation and my muscle test reads strong, Judi gives me a high five. I roll my eyes because I have a hard time believing that I can destuckify myself without a lot of hard work because I am complicated and everything I do is harder than it is for other people. (We haven’t had a lot of luck clearing that one out, but we’re working on it.)
Frankly, I was surprised that this week’s clearing was so easy … and I’m suspicious that the shiva nata in the morning was an oil can to the stuck parts, making them easy to jar loose. I’ll do more this week and make an official determination.
It’s about the noticing
I’ve never had a huge, life-changing shift after either shiva nata or PSYCH-K. Instead of a sandpaper shift, the belief feels like it slips away into the night. I keep my eyes and ears open for changes, and they come in little bits of ZAP! and BING! across my brain. The next situation that arises that would usually become complicated or harder because of the core beliefs usually feel smoother. I encounter them with more calm and distance. I notice what’s going on both inside of me and outside of me, which is downright impossible to do if a belief is in full action. When I find myself not reacting, I know that particular pattern is busted.
Just in time to move onto busting the next one. This is lifetime work, people.
So tell me …
- What does it feel like when your patterns are driving you?
- How do you bust them?
Moments of BING!
Posted by: | CommentsMy past three therapy sessions have been a little frustrating: all talk, no action. Usually, I walk in, we check in, we work a little PSYCH-K magic. I have an epiphany or two and leave feeling good, like I accomplished something. (Because if I’m not fixing something I’m not working.) My epiphanies are BINGs! in my head.
The BINGs! are like sonar beeps: They indicate I’ve hit something important located in the depths of who I am, some belief that’s keeping me stuck, or delivering something into my life that I don’t want.
I live for the BINGs. I love the BINGs. The BINGs are why I pay money for therapy.
Three weeks ago, somehow we got on the topic of my ex. Ugliness ensued. Turns out, I’m still pissed off. I don’t love him. I don’t want him. If not for Lauren I’d be happy not to ever hear/see/talk to him again. So I’m completely detached from him.
And yet, attached. Nails and teeth dug in kind of attached.I spewed for an hour, she chimed in on occasion (I hate those therapists who refuse to engage. Judi’s ‘s good at telling me what she thinks when I ask her.) I left all riled up, unsettled and unsatisfied. No magic happened. No bings (even quiet ones).
Last week, we were back on the topic of my ex. I talked about how he accused me of cheating well before I ever did, and explained how I put on weight on purpose to make myself invisible to other men and to provide a physical barrier against his mean jibes.We talked about what core beliefs may be at the bottom of my difficultly dropping weight and keeping it off, and then I left. It was a good conversation, and yet, there was no fixing. Maybe a couple of faint bings. Therapy fail? Maybe, but probably not. Excavation was the word of the day.
Judi gave me homework of writing a letter to him, pouring out all of the feelings onto paper (not here), as a first step of letting go. I’ve been thinking about the letter a lot, but I have not been able to write a word. I’m stuck. Like most of the time in that marriage, my voice is stuck in my throat. I cannot speak to him about these feelings, even though he’d never read the letter.
Yesterday, I confessed this. And soon, I realized that the hate and anger is built upon a foundation of jealousy and competition.
A brief aside: A psychic once told me that he and I were siblings in a past life who competed for our father’s attention and favors, and in this life we were continuing that storyline. That certainly describes much of our relationship. (Yes, I do believe what readers have to tell me. I also believe in past lives.)
I not only need to compete with my ex, but to beat him in the game of life and parenting. If I can’t beat him, then I’ll push him down, even if it means holding myself back. The goal is to hurt him since it’s very unlikely that he will ever tell me I’m justified in my anger and jealousy, or that he’ll ever admit that he has what he has because of me (oooh, I believe that deep in my gut), or apologize for not supporting me in my dreams, or apologize for my fall down the socioeconomic ladder during and after our divorce.
I’ll piss him off every time he has to write the child support check. I’ll make sure I always need the financial support by never making more money than he does so he can remember that he OWES me every single month, even if he only has to pay me $5.
I realized that I experience jealousy and competition with my ex as POWER over him, and if I let go I believe I will lose the footing I’ve gained with him. Illogical, yes, and visceral and true, too.
BING! Core belief alert: If I stop competing with my ex, stop hating him, stop the anger and the jealousy, I will be powerless against him.
I realized that at the end of my first marriage, I had the lifestyle I wanted: the big house, the $50,000 car, travel when we wanted, never any worries about money. Not to mention that I could have all of this and work only 16 hours a week, leaving me plenty of time with my daughter and for me. However, the relationship was awful, I had no sex life, and I had no self esteem.
I do not believe that I will ever reclaim the lifestyle I had if I’m with Steve. Yet we have the best relationship I’ve ever experienced. We communicate. We kiss and make up. I can be wrong and screw up and be a bitch (on occasion) and even depressed, and APOLOGIZE to him, and keep my standing in the relationship. (Who knew?) I love him so much. Our sex life? Too hot for my blog. My self esteem actually registers on a scale. Most days I like who I am.
The first marriage, I got the lifestyle I wanted but had to sacrifice having the relationship I wanted to get it. This time, I have the relationship I want, but have to sacrifice the lifestyle I want to have it.
BING: Core belief alert! I cannot be married and have everything that I want.
The conversation turned to my spiritual beliefs and how I came to believe what I believe. And as I told the story, I began to light up. I realized how far I’ve gotten from living what I believe. All of my struggles are eased when I see my life through the spectacles of my faith. But my point of view is not mainstream. In fact, it’s pretty New Age and Woo-Woo and Not Normal. And I am certain that if I lived my life from what I know is true that I would lose everything and spiral into abject poverty.
Let me say it again: ABJECT POVERTY and SHUNNING for being who I am.
BING: Because when I live my truth, I am utterly alone and unaccepted. And weird. And in abject poverty of all kinds.
Had it not been for the three weeks of talking about all of this, I wouldn’t have excavated these core beliefs, which were buried under all the gross, hard, stuck feelings. These beliefs (and maybe others) combine into the living, breathing dragon called The Resistance that keeps me from living my truth and having the life I want to have. Now that they’ve been laid bare, I can work on changing them using PSYCH-K.
BINGs! help me identify core beliefs that aren’t working, so I can write new ones.
In my next few therapy sessions, we’ll do core balances and other work to integrate these new core beliefs:
- When I am detached from my ex and release all competition, I am powerful and protected.
- I am married and I can have everything I want.
- When I live my truth, I am deeply connected and accepted and loved and rich in all measures.
I love this work, even when it feels like work. Please remind me next time when I’m complaining that it feels stalled that I’m not stuck. The sonar just may have to search deeper to find the next BING!
Final note about BINGs! and my very early Dance of Shiva practice and coincidences (which don’t exist).
This week, I started doing a new yoga-ish practice called the Dance of Shiva. I’ve now done watched the DVD and struggled through the very beginnings of this HARD and oddly flailing practice four times. Apparently, Dance of Shiva helps bring on the BINGs! Coincidence that this week, after being stuck, I am suddenly having BINGs? No such thing as coincidence.
Best of ’09: Unsung Hero #best09
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I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past five years since my divorce. Each therapist had his or her place, and was right for who I was and where I was at those points in time. They took me as far as I could go then, helping me to learn both how to understand and articulate my emotions, which were skills I did not learn growing up.
Each of my previous therapists got me to the big sticking point, and that my friends is called forgiveness. Forgiving my mothers, and my father, and myself, and my ex. Forgiving the people along my path who hurt me deeply and profoundly. Forgiveness is the wall I have yet to climb. I reach it and stop short. I know that when I master this wall, my life will open up. I’ve never been at the point where I am energetic enough, or brave enough, or whatever enough to begin the ascent.
Or perhaps, I haven’t had the right tools.
A few days ago, I wrote about 2009 being the year of working out my shit. I feel that I’ve made a lot of progress and had multiple epiphanies about what core beliefs have been running me and my relationships with other people–and not in a healthy way. Slowly but surely, I’ve been letting go of these unhealthy beliefs and replacing them with new ones using a psychological process called PSYCH-K.
A good friend turned me on to my current therapist, Judi Spendelow, LCSW (there, I’ve violated HIPAA myself), and I clicked with her immediately. Judi is a psychospiritual therapist who uses a variety of techniques and modalities to help heal self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors. She doesn’t use a lot of tell-me-more-about-how-you-feel-about-it therapy. Instead, she uses these practical tools and systems that, you may need to be a little open-minded for. I was open and willing, and PSYCH-K has been changing my life belief by belief since May 2009.
This summer, we worked on silencing the critic that tells me I’ll never be good enough or perfect enough so I shouldn’t even try. We also worked on banishing my mother from my head–and if the great time I had with her on Friday night is any indication–her banshee voice has been cleared some. (Still some work to do in that area). Judi and her techniques have been the key to my growth this year, and will continue to be key parts of my healing my bipolar issues without the use of drugs.
Over the next couple of weeks, we’ll be working on me letting go of the core belief that I am broken because of my genetic propensity towards mental illness, and therefore no treatment will give me relief. There are other issues to clear, such as this tidbit I gleaned from my subconscious last week as I sat in whole mind position: Because as a child I was never allowed to express a full range of emotions, my body has developed the down part of my cycle–severe winter depression–in order to process the stuff I accumulate during the rest of the year. And because our energetic systems always seek equilibrium, I’ve manifested a manic cycle in August that worsens each year as my seasonal depression worsens. Since the PSYCH-K process is about replacing what you don’t want with what you want, I’m working on the precise language for what it is I want. I’ve found that because words are so important to me, only precise language works in these exercises.
Eventually, we will come to forgiveness work. Even though I don’t know that I will ever be ready for tackling forgiveness, because to be honest, if I no longer have my resentments and others to blame and pain, then who am I , really? And how can I make excuses after that point for not becoming who I am supposed to be (which scares the shit out of me)? How can I cling to the level to which I have risen in my life–safe, secure enough, not the best, not the worst, just above the middle of the pack? I will have to give up that security net of victimhood and truly live what I know is true. If anyone and anything will help me climb this wall–or maybe just bust it down–it will be Judi and PSYCH-K.
I do not believe in coincidences, and I do not believe that guides appear in our lives until we are ready for them. I was ready for Judi when I found her, and with her guidance I am opening my life to greater possibilities. And that’s why she’s my unsung hero of 2009.
Blogger Extraordinaire Gwen Bell has issued a blogging challenge for each day of December–a “Best of” for 2009. I’m joining in as I have time and as the topics interest me.
Best of ’09: Word or Phrase: Working out my shit #best09
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Hayman Fire burnline, on a random roadtrip from Deckers to Manitou Springs.
In 2009, I turned 40. It seems remarkable to me, that number. It’s solid, the mile marker smack dab in the middle of my road trip called this life.
The first part of any road trip is filled with moments of my settling in, figuring out the best place for my sunflower seeds, selecting the best CDs or playlist, moving the cooler around until it’s firmly in the middle of the backseat. I usually find myself taking more pit stops in the first half of a long road trip. I look around more. I worry about getting there–wherever ‘there’ is–safely and on time.
The first half of a road trip feels like a dress rehearsal for the second half, the time where you really sink into the seat, elbow on the ledge of your open window, and sing over the wind at the top of your lungs even when the hot guy in the convertible pulls up beside you. Who cares what he thinks anyway. This is your trip, not his.
Someplace in the middle of my roadtrips, I usually stop, stretch my legs, get my bearings, and settle back in. I do a little reorganization, toss the empty soda cans in the garbage, work the knots out of my back. That’s exactly what this year has been like. I’ve been working my shit out, often in public here on this blog.
- I’ve been doing therapy weekly since May, using PSYCH-K techniques to unearth and resolve deep-held beliefs about myself and life. Some of the work as been successful, other parts not so much, but the fact that I’m dedicated to this journey to the point of spending 7% of my monthly income on it tells me this time around–because boy, have I tried this before–I’m ready to resolve and let go.
- I got married, throwing my lifetime fear of abandonment out the window as I said I DO to Steve. I am so committed that I even changed my name, something I didn’t do the first time around.
- I became committed to figuring out the best way to deal with my bipolar disorder–the best way for ME that is.
- I have become much better at quickly coming to understand how I feel and why I feel it. Where it used to take me days or even weeks to get it, now I can usually get to it in one conversation, or one blog.
- I decided that yes, I will write the novel. Nothing’s on paper yet, but the outline’s almost done in my head. And, because I am nuts, I also have started thinking about a second novel, to be written under my pen name, which will be an erotic romance. 2010 will be the year I actually write these books, now that the process doesn’t seem insurmountable. I still have some confidence issues to work out, but those will come by starting the damn things.
- I started taking pictures again. I love taking photos, and while I want to get better, I’m willing to ask questions and look dumb and have a lot of failures along the way. I’m hoping that someday I can make a buck or two on my work, either by taking portraits or selling calendars (ha!). But for now, I love that I have a hobby I can play in minus the need to be the World’s Greatest.
- I have written more this year than ever before, thanks to this blog. Yes, yes, sometimes I’m funny (by accident) and other times I’m downright depressing, and the Days of Grace project has become tedious for me, and maybe even for the 50 people or so who read this every day. However, I have been writing. And not writing was part of the shit I wanted to work out this year.
- I stopped trying to lose weight. Since I’ve been dieting in one way or another for most of my life, deciding that if my body wants to be a size 12, so be it, took more weight off me than South Beach or Atkins or fasting ever did. Figuratively, of course, because I’m still a size 12. However, this morning, when I looked at my naked body in the mirrors, I was fine with what I saw. This time last year, I looked pretty much the same, and I hated what I saw.
- I started to heal my relationship with my sister, which has been estranged for the most part since she was born.
- I have become a better, more loving mother to my daughter.
- I’ve mastered the double spin in salsa dancing.
- I’ve learned to better speak my mind even when it’s uncomfortable to do so.
- I’m still a slob, although I have had moments of neatness.
If you follow numerology at all, you understand that life comes in cycles. Numerologists say that those cycles are 9 years long. For me, 2009 was a 1 year–a year of rebirth, and of continuing to let go of what I started to let go of in year 9. I’m halfway through it, and I can feel the momentum for my next new adventure building inside and outside of me. I will continue to work on my depression, my perfectionism, my body image and identifying goals and values so that I can launch myself into whatever comes my way with a new vision of who I am and where I’m going on the second half this roadtrip called my life.
Blogger Extraordinaire Gwen Bell has issued a blogging challenge for each day of December–a “Best of” for 2009. I’m joining in as I have time and as the topics interest me.
Rudderless
Posted by: | CommentsIn my head, she sounds like a combination of my mother and Mrs. Costanza. She’s been my constant companion for as long as I can remember, my drill sergeant, my Mommy Dearest, my Critic. Most of my life decisions–both big ones and small ones–have been made under the guidance of the Critic. But unlike a coach, or a guide, or a muse even, the Critic has ruled me with abuse, bullying and fear. And I’ve eaten up every abusive word she’s ever said to me, believing her assessment of me over what I know in my head to be true. The Critic rules my heart–home of my self-love–but her voice echoes through my head as if it were a marble-encased room. She screeches. She whispers. She pokes. She drives my ruminations. She keeps me up at night.
I listened to her when she told me to stay in an abusive relationship because if I didn’t, I’d look the fool for moving in with the guy rather quickly (“you are a fool, but no one will like you anymore if you admit it.”). She led the way in my relationship with my ex, telling me no one will really love me for who I am so I might as well settle for the guy who made me hide essential parts of myself (“You want to be normal? Better him than alone.”) Choosing CSU over Middlebury (“You’ll never fit in at that caliber of school. When have you?” and “You’re not as smart as you think you are.”) Staying in job after job after I was so done (“You don’t have the right credentials, you stupid bitch. Who would hire you? You have too many personal problems”.) Keeping me from taking risks, from doing what I love for real, for a living. Her mission: to make me doubt myself. Keep me in my place all in the name of keeping me “safe.”
As I’ve kowtowed to her, I’ve rebelled against her, too. All those food binges, sex binges, spending binges? That’s me “showing” her. As if she’s a real person, and I can somehow hurt her by flipping her the bird, by going 180-degrees away from what she says is “good” for me.
But no more.
In my PSYCH-K work, we’ve taken the Critic’s legs out from under her. For the past several weeks, I’ve found myself without that bitch’s voice in my head. No more, “You’re fat, don’t eat that!” or “You’re lazy! Get your ass to the gym you ugly fucking pig!” or “You are such a whore! How dare you like sex?” and “You are a terrible mother. Go play with your kid, now! Or the ex will surely get custody.” And especially “It doesn’t matter what you do, you are a loser any way you cut it. You can never be perfect enough to be loved, and everyone will always leave you. Just like your birthmother.”
Her voice is now like a fleeting breeze lifting my hair off my neck on an otherwise still day. She used to be a hurricane, driving me from the high of one ocean swell to the depths of a trough, leaving me bruised and battered for the journey. Now, the wind is still, leaving me drifting, directionless, in the middle of the flat sea.
She was my self-control and my motivation. Now she’s quiet. And I feel stuck.
I don’t know how to be motivated out of love and support for myself, to be guided by kindness to myself. My therapist Judi asked me to think about what a Coach would say to me, and I imagined being on an episode of Family Feud (“Top Four Things a Coach Would Say!” Richard Dawson would croon before ogling my breasts. The third strike would buzz me out as my mind remained blank, give the opposing family a chance to steal.) I can only think of what a Coach wouldn’t do:
She wouldn’t be snide, for one thing, she wouldn’t belittle me or tell me what I can’t or shouldn’t do because what I do is up to me. No name calling, no judgment, no abuse.
I guess a Coach would cheer me on when I make good decisions, when I choose things that move me forward on my path, and would remind me of my goals when faced with choices that might detract me, distract me. Most of all, she would forgive me for errors. For not being perfect. I have the general concepts in my mind. But I can’t yet hear her exact words, or her voice.
And until I do, I think I’m stuck here feeling simultaneously and terrified and peaceful. And hopeful. Oh, so entirely hopeful that my life is about to change for the better.
